YET ANOTHER POETIC MASTERPIECE FROM THE COLLECTED WORKS OF DR. SIGMUND T. SCHUKELGRUBER

..

Entitled : Well, It Seemed Right At The Time

..

He took a view

The slam was on

So when the double came in

He went for a song

He took a view

His opponent revoked

So when it wasn't established

He just sat there and choked

He took a view

The queen was with West

But when East took the trick

He came off second best

He took the view

The contract was there

So after going two down

His partner went spare

He took a view

Partner held three Aces

But when his hand came down

There were three empty spaces

He took a view

He was the best player in town

But everyone saw him

As Coco The Clown

..

So one thing is certain

And so obviously true

Don't jump to conclusions

When taking a view

Things are never clear cut

It's always the case

So use the wisdom of Solomon

To avoid egg on your face

" Well, it seemed right at the time "

Is what they all say

BUT VIEWS HAVE TO BE RIGHT

AT THE END OF THE DAY !

" BAD

BRIDGE " :

THE ONLY

MAGAZINE

THAT

TARGETS

THE MILLIONS

WHO ARE

UTTERLY

USELESS

AT THE GAME

................

BREAKING NEWS : POLICE DOCUMENT PROFILING BIGOT-JOHNSON FOUND IN TRASH CAN

With so much publicity surrounding his remarkable court room triumphs, people were beginning to question whether the justice system had let them down. How did Bigot manage to escape justice so many times ? Perhaps the contents of this document might confirm the suspected answers.

Howard Bigot-Johnson :

Sewer rat, unconventional bridge player, self-deluded genius, shyster, renown for lying, bullshitting, persecuting Pantopods, and getting up to highly successful courtroom antics.

Born : November 10th 1948, but orphaned in 1952 when his parents did a sensible runner

Status : Single , having been divorced by his wife on the grounds of desertion and unreasonable behaviour

Children : None , not for want of trying but for want of potency

Qualifications : None

Jobs : Formerly a warehouse packer and third rate bridge teacher, he is now the successful owner of a privately run enterprise, known as "The Slaughterhouse Bridge Club "

Description : 6'2" , over-weight, pot bellied, bald, big nose, and always sporting a hideously huge black moustache

Achievements : None , except for winning one or two pairs trophies at the Walnut Tree Allotment BC , albeit in rather dubious and suspicious circumstances. He was once an editor of a rather unsavoury bridge club newsletter , until outraged members successfully petitioned to have him sacked, alleging its lewd, disgusting and scurrilous content was completely over the top.

Ambitions : To model his bridge club on the same lines as Sir Francis Dashwood's Hell Fire Club, and to make this blog his ticket to stardom

Favourite pastimes : Picking his nose , rigging deals , and licking large brown envelopes stuffed full of used £20 notes

Character traits :

Habitual liar, more than willing to lie under oath using such ploys as " I don't recall "

Low esteem and completely amoral

Insatiable greed for glory, fame, praise and recognition

Actively involved in satanic rites and ceremonies

Vindictive and sadistic towards those he dislikes

Bullying and big mouthed

Brown tongued arse-licker of the worst kind, forever courting favours with the establishment and leading figures in the judiciary

Cowardly and deceitful

Redeeming characteristics :

None to speak of....... investigations still ongoing

LAW REPORT : R v. BIGOT-JOHNSON AND OTHERS ( 2011 )

( Under an old almost obsolete statute, Bigot and all other club members, who were actively participating in a duplicate when police burst in, were subsequently brought before a Crown Court to face charges under Section 4 of the Vagrancy Act 1824, with pretending or professing to tell fortunes. A short extract from the trial's transcript appears below. Bigot as usual put himself forward as counsel for the defence. )

Prosecutor (P) : Under Section 4 of the Vagrancy Act any person using subtle craft, means or device, by palmistry or otherwise, to deceive others are rogues and vagabonds, and should be punished with imprisonment and regular floggings.

B-J : I object......

P : Why only the only day we had in court a right old hag professing to tell fortunes by means of playing cards !

B-J : But bridge is a game of skill....

P : Yes....but the essence of the game is both deception.....and the prediction of what tricks are to be made in the immediate future by whoever wins the auction.

B-J : There's more to bridge than that....

P : Well Bigot.....tell me this.....are some of the bids designed to deceive the opponents ?

B-J : I'm not sure...

P : Are there not off-centre bids, optional doubles, lead inhibiting bids, deviations, anti-system bids , psyches, weak/strong bids, multi (3 way) bids......need I go on ?

B-J : Yes....

P : And do they not deceive the opponents is that they left in the dark about the bidder's actual HCPs and overall shape of his/her hand ?

B-J : Yes...but...

P : Therefore the deception element of this crime has clearly been established.....so now let's move onto the fortune telling bit ......

B-J : If you must...

P : Is it not the case that the winners of the auction have predicted how many tricks they think they will make when the hand is eventually played out ?

B-J : Yes...but...

P : So if you are in 4S then you have predicted that you will 10 tricks......but that might not always be the case ?

B-J : Yes....sometimes you fail by being one or two tricks short....other times you end up with over-tricks

P : Exactly.....you have deceived your opponents as to the future outcome, which in turn might have caused them to opt out of the auction too early, or fail to stick in the boot at the close with a double

B-J : Yes...but..

P : And what's worse is that by combining deception with false predictions, the biggest culprits end up with the prize money...... unscrupulous rogues and vagabonds corrupted by greed and criminal intent

B-J : You're so wrong....bridge is about honest and accurate communication, where players strive to reach a perfect contract.... or to punish opponents who found themselves in an imperfect contract....

Judge : Well.... from what I've heard bridge players clearly use their craft and a whole load of devices to deceive, and given the fact that cards are dealt randomly, with suits breaking badly, with honours unfavourably placed, all that players can do in an auction is make a prediction....... indeed, players try to use bids to deceive and/or obstruct opponents from ever knowing or finding the perfect contract, hence forcing them into making predictions. Moreover, bridge players choose to embrace instinct, intuition, abstract reasoning, psychology, and mathematical probability to enhance their predictive skills. Such actions by any objective standard are impulsive, capricious and incalculable. Yes....you're all as guilty as hell.

B-J : Oh shit !

QUOTE OF THE WEEK............... ( As made to Bridgemeister Gibson )

The other week I was playing in a teams event in North Derbyshire, where I met up with a player, who had recently left my club to join another. During our brief conversation I casually asked him what his new club was like.....a question to which his reply was instant :

" Oh, I wouldn't really call it a club.....more like a centre for approved cheating ".

Well, there was no answer to that....

CARP REALLY LETS RIP .........

Hypocrisy is possibly the worse of all human traits, but when it rears its ugly head in the very place where the most beautiful game in the world is played, I simply go apeshit.

Nothing gets my gander up more than self-proclaimed paragons of virtue, who fail to practice what they so like to preach. Often these players pontificate about the importance of courtesy and ethics , while acting in a discourteous and unacceptable way. They condemn for instance those who hesitate over their next bid, alleging the passing of unauthorised information, but on the same board might well slam down their own bidding card ( with all the appropriate body language and facial expressions ) to make sure their partner gets the message loud and clear....... that he/she is now under strict instruction not to pull that bid.

Then we come to that bunch hypocrites who love to dish out abusive insults to all and sundry, but react like wounded fawns whenever anyone dares to make even mildly adverse comments about them. These bullies expect their victims to have exceptionally thick skins, as well as a kind regard and respect for their delicate, fragile nature, and overly-sensitive feelings .

Hypocrisy like this beggars belief. These people are completely blind to their own gross imperfections ........but are acutely aware of even the slightest flaws in others. They always look outwards but never inwards. In psycho-analytical terms they project all their shortcomings and failings onto others. They never see their own hypocrisy because that trait of course now belongs to someone else.

However, hypocrisy in bridge clubs doesn't end there. We have those in charge who believe that their right to adopt intolerant strict zero tolerance policies is completely justified, if it is to stamp out players showing intolerance to others. The contradiction is absurd. In their eyes, two wrongs do happen to make a right. Yet in my eyes, it is another classic example of outrageous hypocrisy.

Finally, we come to those who claim they believe in freedom of speech and association, but who instantly choose to crack down on anyone expressing points of view contrary to theirs, or perhaps associating with those they have come to dislike or distrust. This form of hypocrisy often leads to one group getting together to form a camp, only to berate the fact that others are doing likewise.

I have always maintained that I am a severely flawed character, but thankfully a realist. I too am guilty of condemning others even though I continue to behave in a similar vein. A classic case of the pot calling the kettle black. However, the difference is that I am a self-confessed hypocrite, but not one who is in permanent self-denial. I can be easily embarrassed by my shameful hypocritical outbursts, but I am never oblivious to them. The sad fact is that hypocrisy is an ingrained characteristic of The Human Condition......but blind hypocrisy is a damnable curse. Unfortunately, this extreme form lurks everywhere, and this is why the world of bridge can never be anything else but bizarre......

AT LAST ..... A LONG OVERDUE BLOG DISCLAIMER !!

Nothing.......absolutely nothing in this blog past or future should be construed by anyone for any reason as anything other than pure harmless drivel and unconventional satire ........much of which sets out to stimulate the interests of warp-minded readers , who like to laugh at themselves and all those they recognise as belonging to the weird and wonderful stereotypes , that make up this bizarre world of bridge we have all come to love and know.

Further, it needs to be said that the author of the blog is completely mad. So much so that any psychoanalyst worth his salt would certify in his defence that his disability proves beyond all reasonable doubt that he never meant, nor intended to mean, or ever will intend to mean any harm or threat in any way, shape or form to any person and/or institutions, mentioned either by direct reference or by subtle and devious indirect inference and innuendo.

Furthermore, no similarity is intended between any person or institution mentioned in his blog , especially regarding those venomous articles and outrageous parodies........ but if by remote chance there happens to be a similarity with a real living person or actual institution then the connection is a purely an unfortunate coincidence.......a one in a million accident totally in keeping with the laws of probability.

Finally, if any readers who because of their over-sensitivity, paranoia and self-loathing become hell-bent on seeking legal redress or sticking the boot in, then they need to be reminded of my constitutional rights with regards to freedom of speech, and the unhampered dissemination of meaningless drivel and satire.

( This disclaimer was inspired by and adapted from one used by Reinhold Aman in his truly wonderful article " J'accuse " , which believe you me is biting satire at its best . )

EBU RESPONDS TO PROFESSSOR HU CHI KU CHI'S CALL FOR A NEW POLITICALLY CORRECT BRIDGE VOCABULARY.......

Having accepted the fact that too many bridge terms carry connotations and suggestions of extreme violence, bloodshed and war, the EBU are intending to publish a new Politically Correct Glossary Of Bridge Terms , which will hopefully portray bridge as a friendly and social game. So here is a sneak preview to some of the new pacifist inspired vocabulary ( indicating which words have now been struck off as unacceptable and obsolete ) :

- non-defensive leads ( attacking leads )

- big pipper ( bullet )

- over-the-top raise ( barrage bid )

- alternative suit option availability ( take out )

- burgundy ( red )

- upwardly mobile trump promotion manoeuvre ( uppercut )

- safe escape suit restriction play ( partial elimination )

- every safe escape suit scupper play ( elimination )

- contract now in jeopardy leads ( killing leads )

- suit link closure manoeuvre ( severing communications )

- penalty enhancement bid ( axe/ stick the boot in )

- disappearing trump loser coup ( smother play )

- no solution possible discarding dilemma ( squeeze )

WHAT IF A COMMITTEE CHANGED ITS CONSTITUTION TO GET MORE POWER TO ITS ELBOW ? .............. ( Article by Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi )

Some committee members bemoan the fact that the club's constitutional rules hamper their ability to act in a decisive and effective way. These rules , which were once forged to safeguard the individual member's interests , are now viewed as unnecessary restraints and checks upon their power to do a proper job.

It has long been argued that power corrupts, and that the elected " servants " of the memberships would much prefer to see themselves as their " masters ". The prospect of allowing a committee to change its rules in order to give itself more power is a very frightening one indeed. Whenever decisions are made in secret, behind closed doors, on issues more to do with personal agendas..... decisions not be challenged or criticised in any way....then the scenario is set, where any one who threatens their authority warrants immediate rebuke and/or punishment. In such circumstances, the risk of corruption is extremely high.

But is rampant corruption merely a question of basic human immorality, or is there something afoot which is far more complex ? What can not be denied is that when schisms begin to appear between committee members and small vocal groups of dissenters, animosity, suspicion and contempt take over from co-operation , trust and respect.

No one likes to be criticised or challenged, but the reality is loads of flak come with the job of being a committee member . Without exception when disputes arise , people struggle to suppress an array of emotions , especially the Chairman who carries the pressure of having to meet every one's expectations. Sadly, there is a natural tendency to repress dissenters , to be rid of their insulting laughter and comments. Yet efforts to silence objectors and/or opponents inevitably brings on even more criticism and resistance.

Another reality , according to Julia Noakes, is that "censorship and suppression never works quite effectively or compliantly. This is perhaps one of the most powerful teachings of psychoanalysis......that repression is rarely or entirely successful ". As one critic is silenced or removed another two will take his or her place. And should a committee God forbid decide it is vital that they should have the power ( or right ) to permanently evict members from the club in the future, claiming that these reprobates are not serving the best interests of the club ( whatever that means ), then existing constitutional rules are under immediate threat. One could almost predict " that at the next AGM, a committee inspired proposal will ask for an amendment to be implemented, enabling them to have the power to effectively dismiss any dissenting voice without appeal ". This of course would seriously undermine every member's basic civil liberties.

Julia goes on to say that " in many working groups, dissenting voices are deemed intolerable ; to be silenced or characterised as subversive or mad, in a manoeuvre to justify the expulsion of individual(s) ". So any extreme measures taken to deal with critics or opposing groups clearly stem from a combination of psychological factors : " lack of a true moral conscience, fear , no sense of feelings of guilt concerning how they behave or the consequences of their actions . This social anxiety focuses mainly on the fear of being caught out doing the wrong thing , and secondly on the fear of losing one's face if forced to eat humble pie.

Committees need to welcome and embrace criticism, to acknowledge its positive and constructive content. Bad decisions, which despite best intentions can never be avoided, need to be reflected upon, acknowledged, and changed, especially when common sense and reason is called for. Dissenters need to be viewed as concerned, well meaning, pressure groups, who are part and parcel of genuine democracy in action. The danger of giving committee members too much power is all too evident, given the human condition, its psychological flaws, and the demons that lurk within.

LAW REPORT : R v. PANTOPOD ( 2011 )

( In a complete turnaround it was Percy Pantopod who found himself in the dock , facing charges of manslaughter by gross negligence. Yet , quite bizarrely, he turned to the man who had once sworn to kill him. It seemed that Bigot's reputation for courtroom heroics had impressed him enough to hand over a small fortune for his services. For Percy this was the time for burying the hatchet, but for Bigot this was a golden opportunity to bury the hatchet also.....right into the skull of his arch-enemy. A short extract from the trial's transcript appears below. )

Prosecutor ( P ) : Pantopod.....you have been charged with manslaughter by gross negligence , having poisoned dozens of bridge players who had sat down to enjoy a buffet meal. With several teams all involved in intercity league matches , large numbers of hungry players were present at your club that fateful day ....... a doss house of a venue..... which I might add was clearly ill-equipped to provide wholesome and healthy food on such a large scale.

B-J : Excuse me....my client had nothing to do with the purchase and preparation of the food.......he was simply the catering manager for the day.

P : Might I point out that because he was the person in charge, he must carry the responsibility ....and blame...for what ended up as a deadly e-coli outbreak.....

B-J : Fair point.....but you must remember that this man.....is an inbred, over-stressed, neurotic, under-achieving, emotional retard.....

Percy : I object....

B-J : See what I mean....he's even objecting to his own defence !

Judge : It is bizarre thing to do....I must admit.....

B-J : The fact remains that this crime requires proof of negligence. This in turn requires the prosecution to establish that a duty of care was owed by Percy to all those sitting down for a meal....... a question to which the answer is an obvious "yes ". However, to establish breach of that duty of care requires " a failure " on Percy's part. This failure can be defined as adopting a standard of care that falls well short of that which a reasonable jacked-up, hopelessly out of his depth, catering manager for the day would have adopted.

P : That's exactly why he is guilty......

B-J : Ah....but you are assuming that Percy was capable of achieving even this pitifully low standard of care .....which you claim his failure to do made him guilty. Yet one fact remains irrefutable. Percy is a complete dork, incapable of achieving any task no matter how simple or easy it is.....even for a man with an IQ below that of a cretin. This man is no amazingly stupid, he could do nothing more than what he did..... to dish out food without any thought or concern that it may be contaminated. Negligence...as I said before.....implies a careless act or omission....where one can be assumed to foresee the consequences of any such mistakes. In Percy's case no one would have any expectations of him, and neither would he have expectations of himself. It was impossible for him to be negligent because he remains permanently anchored to the start of all life's learning curves. His bridge results prove that beyond all reasonable doubt. Moreover, on the same grounds that a new born baby could not be held accountable had it been asked to don the catering manager's hat ....then by the same token Percy can not be held accountable.

Percy : I object.....

Judge : Objection over-ruled.....and in recognition of Bigot's eloquent defence, I am obliged to dismiss the case for lack of evidence that any negligent act had taken place. Percy Pantopod is so inadequate and inept he has not developed to a stage where he is aware of what careless acts and omissions are. However, I shall be recommending to the Law Commission that a new crime needs to be put on the statute books of manslaughter by gross stupidity.

B-J : Well Percy ...that's what I call a result.....money well spent !

Percy : You Bigot...are nothing more than a rotten, low down , loathsome, thieving, sadistic bastard....

NEWS FLASH : BIGOT- JOHNSON FINALLY WORMS HIS WAY THE USA 2 TEAM ....... ( What a big head ! )

.......

Despite not having American citizenship, or residency status , Bigot-Johnson's surprise selection to the USA 2 team has stunned the ACBL membership to the core. Indeed, with regards to past achievements and competition victories, Bigot's only claim to fame was a sneaky win in the Walnut Tree Allotment BC New Years Pairs event in 2002, when heavy snow reduced the field to just 4 tables.......and everyone but Bigot had severe hangovers.

When asked about his call up to the team , Bigot said " it was plain sailing after Ronnie and Reggie did some canvassing on my behalf , by whispering a few quiet words of encouragement and advice into the delicate shell-like ears of the selectors ".

However ACBL members were more concerned with the sudden disappearance of the chief selector, renown for his honesty, integrity and judgement. Witnesses report a man being dragged from his house into the back of a white van by two hefty looking thugs, who were both wearing Savile Row black suits with matching ties.

BIGOT-

JOHNSON'S

LATEST

ISSUE

TARGETS

MEN

ONLY

BRIDGE

CLUBS

........

A VERY VERY NEARLY TRUE STORY BY BRIDGEMEISTER GIBSON......

There is no point denying it.....we are all guilty of hypocrisy from time to time. We fail to practice what we preach. We chastise others for sins we openly commit ourselves. However, the story I'm about to tell you illustrates hypocrisy at its worst.

Mid-way through a duplicate a friend of mine encountered the club's most notorious hypocrite : the self-proclaimed " I am one of the most ethical players around ".

As it happens my friend was playing a prepared club system, which required initial bids and responses to be alerted and explained. On the first hand of the set, the hypocrite asked about the meaning of a particular bid, whether or not there was proper disclosure on both their system cards which, of course, needed to be identical . An explanation was duly given, along with an apology for not providing full disclosure about the bid on the documents in question. This apology was greeted with a muffled grunt, a disparaging shake of the head, and a face loaded with grimacing disapproval.

Then , on the next board, my friend happened to glance down and notice the bog standard system/score card his accuser was using . To his shock and amazement he noticed that the front page, where the basic outline of their agreed system should be , was utterly BLANK..... other than the word ACOL which had been scribbled in at the top !

And so there you have it.....an unbelievable example of brazen hypocrisy which proves , beyond all reasonable doubt, that the world of bridge really does orbit the outer limits of the twilight zone.

TWENTY REASONS WHY BRIDGE IS A HUNTING SPORT....... ( Research by Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi )

The evidence is irrefutable. Bridge is a sport for hunters.....providing players with predatory , bunny bashing, bloodthirsty instincts the kind of killing fields they desperately search for , in which to run amok. Fools who still harbour a misguided belief that bridge is meant to be a social and friendly game are ignoring a shocking reality. The bridge player's dictionary is full of words loaded with murderous and barbaric connotations. The language can so easily conjure up images of slaughter and mayhem.

Indeed, players have been conditioned by this unpleasant language to develop a love, or should I say a sadistic passion , for.......

- putting opponents down

- random shootings

- smother plays

- axing opponents

- the colour red

- sticking the boot in

- squeezing opponents to death

- barrage bids

- taking a stab in the dark

- getting away with murder

- making take-out bids

- hammering home an advantage

- finding killing leads

- hitting opponents with uppercuts

- enticing them to make sacrifices

- severing their communications

- engineering elimination plays

- committing acts of daylight robbery

- making every bullet count

- attacking leads

So if anyone tells me bridge is not a violent sport then I am talking to a fool. However, if there is a concerted and co-ordinated effort on the part of bridge administrators to successfully implement best behaviour and zero tolerance initiatives in all clubs, then might I suggest that they adopt a new different vocabulary , or at least tone down the old one. What is urgently needed is a revised glossary of terms which send out a message of peace and goodwill, not one that incites players to develop violent, bloodthirsty instincts.

ANOTHER SHOCKING AND DISTURBING 60 SECOND INTERVIEW WITH BIGOT-JOHNSON.......

Interviewer (Paul) : Well Bigot , I see that your Best Behaviour At Bridge initiative turned out to be a disaster at the Slaughter House ?

B-J : What did you expect..... members like myself can't keep their emotions bottled up forever.....not when you've got red blood in your veins.....

Paul : So I take it you don't now run a zero tolerance policy either ?

B-J : Too bloody right....we don't...... because bridge needs to be regarded as a sport ?

Paul : Yes....I guess so

B-J : But...... it also needs to be seen as one of greatest hunting sports ever devised

Paul : How come ?

B-J : Because bloody bridge clubs like mine are overrun with rabbits.....and as you can imagine , they represent a real nuisance and a growing problem

Paul : In what way ?

B-J : Once a duplicate is underway, you keeping coming across these buck-toothed, floppy-eared players at almost every table. This means you either end up with dozens of spectacular, mostly unsatisfying tops, by virtue of a sack load of gifts.....or dozens of nerve-shattering , hugely embarrassing , bottoms.... because somehow their gross stupidity turns out to deliver unexpected triumphs......

Paul : That's life...

B-J : Well I'm not allowing bridge at my club to end up like random lotteries....these rabbits need to be hunted down and disposed of.....

Paul : Metaphorically speaking I suppose ?

B-J : No ...I mean literally

Paul : So correct me if I'm wrong.....you clearly have a zero tolerance for these rather inept and clueless players ?

B-J : I guess so...

Paul : Which means in effect...... you do believe in zero tolerance policies......happy to support and embrace them fully ?

B-J : By George.....you're right......I never looked at it that way

Paul : Glad I was able to put you right......

YES..IT'S OUT

......BIGOT-

JOHNSON'S

3RD ISSUE

OF THE MOST

TALKED ABOUT

BRIDGE

MAGAZINE

EVER.....

THE ONE WHICH

MOST PLAYERS

CAN'T WAIT

TO GET

THEIR HANDS

ON........

( for a ripping good time )

BRIDGE BOOKS BIGOT-JOHNSON SWEARS BY....... ( Reports a shell shocked Pun )

• Sorry Partner, I'm Not feeling Too Good.............Ivan Ed Hake
• Oh No ! Here Comes Another Flying Bridgemate....Ima Ducking
• I Cheat Because Everyone Else Does...................A. Morrell
• Both Opponents Were Rude To My Partner.........Zoe Hittem
• Finally, My Wife Has Taken Up The Game............Jay Maiker
• Partner, You're Playing Like A Zombie................R. U. O'Kaye
• Cute Face, Cute Figure, But Clueless At Bridge......Bibi Dahl
• I Love The Way She Faces Up To Bridge Bullies....Alotta Bottle
• Someone Had To Be Dropped From The Team......Bert Y. Mee
• Our Team Has Lost Its Best Player.......................Saul E. Mist

INSIDE THE HEADS

OF EXPERTS : A

LESSON IN THE

ART OF THINKING

..............

( Article by Johnny Supremo )

Experts think about the hands : what is needed for a good match point score, what is needed to bring a contract home, or how to defend to beat it.

Take the above hand for instance.

Our first expert pair bid their way to a sensible 6H contract, which fortuitously came home given the availability of a spade ruff, and the favourable location of the club Ace.

Our second expert pair , who were looking for a bigger haul of the match points , went to 6NT, and initially there appears to be only 10 certain tricks ( 3D, 4H, and 3S ). Undaunted though, the expert looked for a way of making this ambitious contract. Magicians can conjure tricks out of nowhere and so did this declarer sitting South.

On the 8 of diamonds lead, declarer quickly went to work by cashing out the seven red suit winners, basing his plan on finding West with length in both black suits. Since neither of these suits had been considered safe for an opening lead, West felt obliged to make a passive diamond lead from his miserable 3 card suit . Inevitably, he had now come down to 4 spades and the AQ of clubs. So when declarer played a club up towards dummy's king, it was all over. No matter when the Ace was played, South would enjoy 2 club winners... to add to his 3 top spades..... for the contract to come rolling home.

However, we now come to a defender in the West seat of truly master class stature, who also saw the bidding stop at 6NT. He too chose a passive diamond lead, and declarer again took the first seven red suit tricks. But this West could see the pending squeeze in spades, along with fact his partner could well be holding onto at least one winner ( if not 2 ) in diamonds. By throwing away his Ace/ Queen of clubs, all he needed of partner was to have Jx in clubs.

His prayers were answered. Declarer can't make 4 spades, and neither can he enjoy clubs, because when East gets in he will cash his diamond winner to set the contract.

So who was this West ?...........well , if I told you initials were JS , then you have your answer !

BRIDGE PLAYERS FROM HELL : WHAT PHYSICAL CHARACTERISTICS MIGHT THEY POSSESS ? WHAT THESE DEFORMITIES REVEAL ABOUT THEIR LOATHSOME PERSONALITIES ?........ ( A shocking but revealing article by Dr. Sigmund T. Schukelgruber )

• Brown nosed : arse-licking type looking to curry favour with anyone who can satisfy their desperate needs
• Big earred : forever listening into conversations which they are not supposed to, either to gain information for stirring up malicious gossip, or better still , information about hands yet to played by them
• Thick skinned : an innate ability to remain in permanent denial about their failings and shortcomings
• Sharp tongued : never having a kind word to say about anyone , least of all their partners
• Bare-faced : shameless sort, never manly enough to ever grow a moustache or beard
• Evil eyed : lacking in both warmth and humanity
• Big headed : an uncontrollable desire to brag and boast about any success at the table, no matter how insignificant or small
• Fleet-footed : always doing a runner, or making a fast escape when asked to face the consequences of their actions
• Pot bellied : over-weight, lazy by nature, relentless in their quest for sitting seats
• Bow legged : a condition of their weak bones, where buckling has taken place owing to the combined weight of a huge belly and an extremely large head
• Hairy arsed : when rattled displaying the manners of a wild, primitive, uncouth lout

Thankfully, very few bridge players from hell possess all the above characteristics.....but having just one is enough. The painful reality is that they are out there in large numbers .....therefore impossible to avoid.......obnoxious men, who will strive to spoil the wonderful experience this game has to offer .

LAW REPORT:

R v. BIGOT-JOHNSON

2002

( Several years ago Bigot appeared before Doncaster Crown after an incident at his local bridge club, which caused alarm and distress to those looking on. A short extract from the trial's transcript appears below. )

Prosecutor : Bigot.....you are charged with criminal damage in that you did deliberately, callously, and with beastliness aforethought smash into smithereens Percy Pantopod's most cherished lucky mascot.....a cute, little, bone china pig called Petunia

B-J : I did......but I can assure you it was an accident

Prosecutor : No it wasn't.....the witnesses have all confirmed that your actions were those of a cold blooded killer.....possessed with malice and evil intent

B-J : Hold on there.....am I the sort of man that turns up to friendly social bridge clubs, only to get embroiled in bitter altercations and arguments, causing unpleasantness and trouble all round ?

Prosecutor : Yes.....and I have a list here of all the occasions you have been brought to court on bridge related crimes...... plus every disciplinary hearing you've been summoned to attend as a result of your disgraceful and outrageous behaviour.

B-J ( Reading the list ) : My God......you can't rely on this.....the details are incorrect and full of inaccuracies.....why..... there are dozens of cases and disciplinary hearings you've failed to include.......

Prosecutor : To continue....... if I may......it was clearly apparent to those looking on, that during the 7 board round against Percy results were not going your way.....and you were becoming increasingly agitated and angry. You complained bitterly about your wretched luck........only to be informed by a rather smug Percy that this was all down to Petunia, his lucky mascot, sitting there on the corner of the table. At that point you clenched your fist, raised it high above your head....and then brought it down on top of poor Petunia's head........ it's too horrible too imagine.....

B-J : I Lifted my arm as a salute to the little character.....but unfortunately I had a sudden seizure....my arm went dead.....and gravity took over.... with my clenched fist..... unfortunately..... landing on the little pig.

Prosecutor : You sir are a liar...a bounder and a rotter......the fact remains the pig is in pieces...and as it happens.... so is poor Percy.

Percy ( Sobbing ) : Yes...I loved that little pig.....my Petunia......she meant everything to me. Without her...I have no friend....no soul mate....no one to turn to....and no luck to look forward to.....my life is ruined.

Judge : This is a shocking story, but correct me if I'm wrong ..... although bridge is supposedly a game of skill, luck still has a role to play. Moreover, it is a legal requirement ...if any conviction is to be secured,....that the accused had no lawful excuse to demolish the pig. However....if Bigot felt the pig was the instigator of his misfortune, then it might appear that Bigot did have lawful excuse.

B-J : Bravo ......

Judge : Bigot therefore destroyed the pig for his own protection.......

B-J : Yes...yes....I did it because I had to protect myself from its evil curse....the damn thing had cast an evil spell over me with its horrible googly eyes.....it made me play like a complete baboon. I had to destroy it....

Prosecutor : Your honour....he's just admitted now it wasn't an accident !

Judge : I know....I set a trap and he fell for it....

Prosecutor : Clever.......

Judge : Well, someone had to bring this trial to a speedy conclusion...the accused is as guilty as hell....it's all too evident that his poor results were simply a reflection of what a rubbish player he is....and what's more he's clearly suffering from a deep seated......you'll like this pun.... percy-cution complex...... 6 months in prison is what I'm proposing .....minimum

B-J : Bugger.....

PLACE YOUR

ORDERS NOW

FOR THE

LATEST

EDITION OF

BIGOT -

JOHNSON'S

NEW

SENSATIONAL

MAGAZINE

WHICH HAS

LEFT THE

BRIDGE WORLD

COMPLETELY

SPEECHLESS

.........

( e-mail ripoffmerchants

@ fraudmail.con )

QUOTES OF THE WEEK...........

( Following the sensational story of what took place in Bigot-Johnson's Bridge-Yoga-Meditation class, three more of his students came forward with recollections of their own. )

• " That man told us to meditate for at least 3o seconds if a big decision was called for during the bidding or play of the hand.........well, I tried it........but let me tell you......... meditation isn't what you think... "
• " Bigot reckoned that yoga would help us to become top class bridge players. But more than that ...he then claimed meditation was much better than sitting around doing nothing ..."
• " That man said the power of thought could make us believe we were capable of turning into whatever we wanted to be. In quick succession he asked us to see ourselves as an onion.....a beetroot....a top class bridge player....then an onion again......but I just got myself into a right pickle "

CARDINAL BRIDGE CLUB SUB-COMMITTEE DISCIPLINARY HEARING No.22

( Bigot-Johnson, the newly appointed bridge teacher at the club, once again tried out one of his unorthodox methods on a class of young female students. He firmly believed that it was essential to start the course by first introducing them to yoga, as part of their initial mental training. A short extract from the hearing's transcript appears below. )

Chairman : What the blue blazes has yoga got to do with teaching these young ladies the basics of bridge ?

B-J : Ah....I'm glad you asked me that....because as you know, the secret to playing bridge successfully, requires a mind to be fully focused and concentrating on the game. This of course requires students to learn the art of clearing their minds of useless clutter. Once that has happened, they can then channel all their mental energy into what to bid, and what cards to play.

Chairman : All very well and good.....but we have received a very serious complaint about your behaviour. You told one of your students, as you rushed by her for a speedy exit , how physically attractive she was.

B-J : Yes.....that's correct....but so what !

Chairman : Well, you clearly left her in a very awkward position.....

B-J : Oh....

Chairman : Behaviour like that is a disgrace......you've clearly brought this club into disrepute, and now something needs to be done to restore its good name and reputation........So tell me Bigot....what steps do you intend to take.

B-J : Effing big ones !

( And on that rather abrupt and unsavoury reply, Bigot-Johnson rose from his seat, headed straight for the door, and with giant strides disappeared down the road into the setting sun. )

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY REVISITED.....................

• Hog : a player remarkable for the catholicity of his appetite and desire to play all the hands. Never one to trust his partner to be declarer, the hog will endeavour to play in inferior contracts at the risk of obtaining inferior scores.
• Card : a player who strives to be the joker of the pack. Often an amusing, eccentric person who quickly becomes an infuriating and tedious bore.
• Eavesdropping : a well honed practice of those blessed with acute hearing but cursed with a lack of moral and ethical values. An uncanny ability to unobtrusively and secretly listen in to hand details being discussed on nearby tables.
• Best Behaviour at bridge : a misguided notion that bridge players are capable of changing their sinful ways, and adopting the characteristics of a saint.
• Zero tolerance : a totally flawed policy which many bridge clubs foolishly sign up to, unable to recognise its failure to apply compassion to those provoked by others into acts of wrongdoing .
• Committee members : a group of people who step forward to run the club, either gaining selection on a wave of widespread apathy affecting the absent majority, or on a wave of gerrymandering antics used by a narrow but determined minority, who bothered to vote .
• Bridge meeting minutes : a incredibly brief but sanitised record of what when on behind closed doors, where every single bit of incriminating detail is carefully and methodically edited out
• Prize giving : an end of year ritual tagged onto an AGM, where the club's prolific trophy hunters come to collect their spoils. Often these players are seen huddled together en masse in the bar afterwards laughing and guffawing , in what can only be described as a Mutual Admiration Society.
• MUD : what many less fortunate players would like to throw at these smug we've got more trophies than we know what to do with members of the Mutual Admiration Society

BIGOT-JOHNSON REVEALS HIS TRUE CREDENTIALS AS THE NEW INQUISITIVE BRIDGE CORRESPONDENT FOR THE BAWTRY GAZETTE.........

B-J : Well Larry ....talk to me about me a hand....any hand in fact.....which my readers might find interesting

Larry : Well, it was only last week when I found myself in a bloody hopeless heart slam with losers all over the place.....but would you believe it ...my LHO kicked off by leading his unprotected king of spades straight into my Ace-Queen !

B-J : NO....

Larry : Yes he did.....and was his partner miffed ? I should say so. A right grumpy sod. Reeked of soiled underpants and appalling body odour.

B-J : NO....

Larry : He sure did.....anyway, after I opened every window in the room, I then looked at my Qx of clubs opposite dummy's Ax......and in a bold daring play I volunteered the queen from from my hand. My LHO .....convinced I had the jack behind it, he decided not to cover it.....so the queen held.

B-J : NO

Larry : Oh yes it did.... no losers there in that suit. By now I was on cloud nine. Not surprisingly ...when I cashed the Ace of clubs to eliminate the suit, pongo on my right plonked his jack onto the table in utter disgust. Mind you ....my LHO looked none too pleased either. In fact he was beside himself with rage , starting to jerk forward and back like a man possessed.

B-J : NO

Larry : Without a doubt....this jerking went on for so long clouds of dandruff started falling down onto the green baize like a scene from a Christmas wonderland story

B-J : NO

Larry : Well there were a few flakes.....but he was spitting feathers alright. Big time. So when I ran off all my trumps, he began to squirm even more. He had to decide whether to hold onto spades or diamonds. As it happened he chose spades, lobbing away potential diamond winners.

B-J : NO

Larry : He did....and when he realised I was about to make all my diamonds....and the contract......he went ballistic. Naturally, I turned towards him and said " You sir need to settle down....or I'll be obliged to have you sanctioned under the club's new zero tolerance regime "

B-J : NO ...

Larry : Well, he then looked at me like a man about to commit murder .........so quick as a flash I whipped out a big spliff from my inside pocket.........lit it.....and shoved it right under his nose....in a vain attempt to calm him down.

B-J : NO ...

Larry : Sure did.....but did he take it in the spirit of goodwill and bonhomie ? No bloody chance. He simply called the TD over and stuck me right in it.

B-J : NO....

Larry : Absolutely....before I knew it I was up before the club's disciplinary The Spanish Inquisition Has Got Nothing On Us committee..... on trumped up charges of assault, arson and possession and distribution of drugs

B-J : NO....

Larry : Yes...it was set up alright because the chairman happened to be my LHO. I pleaded mitigating circumstances and a right to a fair hearing. I even went down on my knees and begged for justice.

B-J : NO...

Larry : Oh yes I did......and was I ever likely to get justice ? No way. They fined me £200 and suspended me for 6 months

B-J : NO

Larry : They did ...the bastards......I was gutted....I was really gutted....... so I bided my time....and on a late foggy night wearing a balaclava helmet, I waited for this toe rag outside his house.....only to set about him with a weighty baseball bat

B-J : NO

Larry : And if you don't stop persistently disbelieving everything I say...... I'll be doing the same to you !

B-J : Oh...well in that case....... this interview is terminated.

Larry : Bye

B-J : Bye

BRIDGE BOOKS TO BRING TEARS TO YOUR EYES......... ( Research by Pun )

• Looking Aggrieved He Picked Up A Bridgemate......Ann Didwatt
• Result Merchants Are The Ultimate Scavengers.....Carrie Ann Crose
• Kick'em Where It Hurts, Partner ! ..........................Dan Glebitz
• Are You Calling Me A Cheat ?.................................Joanna Fite
• Of Course I Understand Lebensohl.........................Claire Asa Belle
• Bid Boldly And Show A Bit Of Bottle........................Don Beshie
• Her New Partner Will Have To Prove His Worth......Arden Long
• Bridge Clubs With " Men Only " Members................Gay Fellows
• Learn To Play Fast.................................................Ann Loose
• It's Always Best To Come From Behind..................Ria Dorman

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY REVISITED..................

• Bridge bore : what a player becomes when regaling stories about his triumphs, coups and successes to a tired, dispirited, "we've heard-them-all-before " audience
• Partner : a person we like well enough to play with, but not well enough to be excused from severe bollockings
• Score card : a record of your results, mostly embarrassing, which provides an explanation regarding your position in the bottom 10%, along with the big-eared rabbits and brainless woodentops
• Trophy : usually a silver shaped cup with stand, which is handed out as a reward to those who are experts in carving up rabbits and butchering lambs
• Lawful : the label given to a TD's decision, which succumbed to the will of the defaulting party to the dispute, who clearly benifitted from his/her position of power and status within the club
• Table laughter : interior convulsions which rarely happen during play, given the huge numbers of participating players renown for their grumpiness, sullen behaviour and negative attitudes
• Auction : something you get actively involved in at the start of each hand, being fully prepared to make that one last final bid, which often leads to the ultimate price being paid