( Deluged by letters of complaint over Bigot-Johnson's appalling behaviour towards his partners, the committee felt duty bound to deal with this matter swiftly and with ruthless effectiveness. Having summoned the ogre to attend the rapidly convened hearing, the Chairman laid into Bigot good and proper. )
C : Bigot......your attitude towards your partners is unforgiving, vindictive and shameful. You don't seem to allow for their inability or inexperience........they are all treated to the same disdain and contempt as you show to others. Your behaviour is deplorable and we as a committee wont stand for it.............and banning you seems the only option we are left with, if our vulnerable and sensitive members are to be protected.
B-J : Well, you need to see things from my point of view. These useless partners of mine, who ought to be grateful for having me to explain the errors of their ways, are so inept they would test the patience of a saint....which I am not. Everything they do causes me great pain and anguish.
C : Please go on.....
B-J : So how would you feel when opponents see us arriving at the table they start smirking at the prospect of exploiting my handicap ....
C : You mean your ability to lose it ...
B-J : No ....my partner ! Moreover, the mere presence of a numb skull bolsters their confidence to such an extent, they take outrageous liberties such as psyching and anti-system bids.....simply to put him or her at a complete disadvantage. In other words, I end up as a secondary victim of their exploitative and unethical conduct.
C : Hmmm.....interesting point you have there.
B-J : Yes......not half....and let me remind you that when I partner these hapless egits, I find myself being dragged down to their level. The whole process of totting up their failings, shortcomings and gross limitations triggers off a disintergration, where I start to turn into a nervous, flustered, bumbling, incoherent idiot. But what's worse is their unerring knack of hoisting me into unmakeable contracts, simply as a form of flattery and respect for my declarer skills. Yet miracles are beyond my remit.
C : God Bigot.....I know exactly where you're coming from.......
B-J : ....And of course these stupid buggers fail to bid games when they're on .....and through crass defending they allow opponents to make contracts which are going down elsewhere in the room.
C : By doing what ?
B-J : By applying absurd, illogical and idiotic reasoning to problems, which results in flawed analysis and wrong conclusions. They foolishly believe that doing the opposite of what is right is right.....that inspired esoteric defence works...................and that doing the obvious must be a trap to be avoided.
C : Too right....I had the same thing happen to me the other day.....
B-J : Add to this all their hesitations, bids and leads out of turn, umpteen revokes, incorrect claims, TDs being summoned every other board, unnecessary questions which completely expose their holding ( and mine ).... it's no wonder I behave the way I do....
C : My God.....I can really see how you've suffered
B-J : Partnering these people is a nightmare......
C : Yes, I'm hearing what you're saying ......
B-J : Does this mean then , you're going to let me off ?
C : Hell no....not a chance.....the fact remains that even BEFORE you sit down to play with these inexperienced players your basic instincts have and will always be those of a nasty, mean, hard-hearted, selfish bully. These poor souls did not on any occasion turn you from good person into bad one....... they just provided you with an wonderful excuse to be your ugly self. So I am afraid there is nothing more to say other than....... BIGOT-JOHNSON .....YOUR DAYS AS A MEMBER OF THIS CLUB ARE OVER......as of now !
B-J : You bugger...........
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