FOR BIGOT THIS PROVED TO BE A BRIDGE TOO FAR.......... ( A nearly true story by Bridgemeister Gibson )

It was coming up to the club's biggest pairs competition of the year, and Bigot-Johnson was down at the pub with his best mate Mungo Makepeace.

" Are you down to play in the competition this weekend ? " asked Mungo.

" Oh, I dunno....I very much doubt it ", replied Bigot, " her indoors has been putting her foot down lately......and she's never been keen on me playing bridge on Easter Monday ".

" Listen, that's no problem. Use a bit of guile. On the day you intend to tell her you're off to play in this competition, use a full-on charm offensive. Get up early, and make her a champagne breakfast for bed. Then after plying her with 2 or 3 glasses of the bubbly, whisper a whole load of sweet nothings in her ear, before giving her the best shagging she's ever had. And while she's wallowing in that state of blissful euphoria tell her you're off to play bridge ".

Several days later the two met up again in the pub for a lunch-time pint.

" Where the hell were you on Monday ? ", remarked a slightly miffed Mungo, " didn't you work on that charm offensive like I suggested ? It always works for me ! "

" Yeah ", replied Bigot, " I made her that champagne breakfast, and said all those lovey-dovey things she likes to hear, and as sure as eggs are eggs I could she was really up for it. So I pulled off my black silk pyjamas ready to do the deed, when suddenly...... something compelled me to change my mind ...."

" What on earth was it ? "

" A realisation that said ........bugger it ...... do I really need to go through with all this ?.........Nah ........there's no bloody point in turning up to an event whilst in the throes of a wretched run of form ".