Saturday, 12 February 2011

( This group action was brought against this notorious club, when several new members were seeking damages for fraudulent misrepresentation, claiming that none of the statements made in the promotional literature were true. The experience they encountered was completely contrary to all their expectations, causing them to suffer severe mental distress and several nervous break-downs. Bigot-Johnson as owner and chairman of the club elected of course to take on the role of counsel for the defence. An extract from the trial's transcript can be seen below. )
Counsel for the plaintiffs ( CP ) : To what extent Bigot-Johnson was your involvement in writing up this promotional material ?
B-J : Every bit of it was my own work.....arn't you impressed ?
CP : Not at all..... for I have never read anything that contained so many outrageous statements and wicked lies ! Please tell the court Bigot how you described the club.......
B-J : Er... " a very warm and welcoming club "..... " extremely social and friendly "............ " a place where the experience of bridge is simply delightful "................." and where one will never fail to have a thoroughly enjoyable time "
C-P : Yes , yes.....but all this bumph adds up to one great whopping lie, given that the fact that none of these newcomers experienced anything positive....or anything beneficial . Indeed, Whittle .....the poor sod...cannot be with us in court today, as he is still undergoing psychiatric treatment in Doncaster's only remaining mental health asylum.
B-J : Not surprised...he did have a nasty habit of wetting the seats
C-P : ........So it is my contention that you have always known that this club of yours has an infamous reputation for bullying and brutality , obsessed with getting its rank and file members to tow the line. And what's more you and your drones do not give any leeway to beginners, who are prone to making mistakes at the table, simply because of their inexperience and nervousness. Therefore, it is an irrefutable fact that you deliberately packed your promotional literature full of these lies.
B-J : Listen you smart-arse.....what about caveat emptor..... " let the buyer beware " ......these numb skulls knew what they were letting themselves in for. They could hear the screams from above when they were taking their introductory lessons downstairs in the basement.....which I might add should have been sound-proofed ! Those bloody contractors......can I get them to do any job properly ! And what's more those statements were statements of opinion.....not fact. No one in their right mind would ever believe such over-the-top advertising puff. There's no way they could have possibly relied upon them....... in their decision to join up.
Judge : Yes, I can see that.....for anyone who has the misfortune of meeting you, Bigot, should realise immediately that everything you say is utter clap trap.
B-J : That may well be the case........but that proves my point......these so-called intelligent fools clearly chose to join the club out of stupidity and blind recklessness.......and not due to any persuasion on my part. Even if reality of bridge at the Slaughter House did cause these wimps to have mental break-downs.... then none of this had anything to do with me. I'm under no duty whatsoever to forewarn them about the dangers that they would encounter. Does a car salesman advise a potential customer that the car he's interested in could easily kill him......a death-trap on wheels........a money-gobbling machine.......a claustrophobic metal box when stuck in traffic. No....he doesn't.....he just waxes lyrical about the wonderful driving experience that one might have on a sunny day, on an open road, listening to his favourite music ,while driving to a hotel to meet up with a secret lover for an illicit night of unbridled passion and kinky sex.
Judge : By God Bigot.....for once you do have a point. That experience sounds like pure heaven.
B-J : Yes...and it's not the job of a car salesman to undertake a medical diagnosis of a customer to see whether or not they prone to suffering from the physical, financial and mental demands involved with driving.
Judge : You're right.....there are some people in life that are like fish in a barrel........there to be shot at......and airy-fairy, namby bamby, bed wetting, whinging, still-need-their-nappies-changing, helpless weaklings, like Whittle and his gang, clearly fit that description. Case dismissed.
B-J : Well thank God for that.....and please allow me to put you on my Christmas card old bugger you

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