Friday, 25 February 2011

In bridge the word bottom is used in so many different ways. The so called Devil's Dictionary has clearly failed to get to the bottom of all its possible meanings. But after much research Tabatha ( God bless her soul ) has come up with the following:
Bottom :
(a) the worst score
(b) the place from where partner's brains have been relocated, which helps explain why he/she was accountable for the above
(c) the most suitable part of your partner's anatomy on which to leave your foot-print
(d ) a character from Shakespeare, which your partner has clearly set out to emulate
(e) what lazy bastards like to permanently park on designated " sitting seats ", often securing the privilege under false pretences in order to increase their chances of avoiding a sit out
(f) a black hole, the deep abyss, or the pits, as in "rock bottom" , when a player experiences a sense of utter despair over his partner's failure to secure even an average score
Idioms :
1. To scrape the bottom - being obliged to partner a useless player because all the good ones have been accounted for
2. Bottoms up - a position that results from partner being asked to bend over in order for you to deliver a foot-print upon the exposed part of his anatomy
3. Bottom up approach - a standard manoeuvre employed by most gay bridge players
4. To touch bottom - an invitational bid used by one gay bridge player to elicit a response from another
5. Bottom line - the basic truth all useless players need to told about themselves
6. Bottom of the bag - the trump card all good players hold in reserve
7. Bottom out - the level to which all inept bridge players will sink to, destined to remain there forever
8. Bottom dollar - a wager a player will confidently make about his/her inept partner failing to steer home a difficult contract
9. Getting to the bottom of - a Spanish Inquisition into how and why your partner managed to go off in 3NT on a combined 31 count
10. Knock the bottom out of - to comprehensively invalidate any argument or excuse your pathetic partner puts up, when he attempts to avoid any responsibility for going down in 3NT on 31 points

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