( It is now well established that most avid bridge blog readers know all about Bigot-Johnson, and his bizarre and unusual take on the bridge world. So what if his outrageous material alarms and offends diehards and traditionalists : he is without doubt the inspiration behind the up-and-coming new breed of players. For them he is their hero, a welcome breath of fresh air. Moreover, this man despite all the nasty things said about him, still remains a very fine player....... who yes... does on rare occasions....... stray from the path of righteousness in his life long quest for competition success. Nevertheless, he kindly agreed to give another interview to help me unravel the twisted thinking of his warped and troubled mind )
- When did you first discover bridge ?
- Ah...I guess it was when I was in my late teens. I was having no luck whatsoever with women and my social skills were non-existent. So I looked around for a bridge club which was prepared to let me in. You see, I've always loved card games, and in my view bridge was clearly the best game in the world. Let's face it.....every time you deal the cards there's a completely new set of problems to solve, and mysteries to unravel
- What is the fondest memory you carry with you from all these years of bridge ?
- Oh yes....there's one that always springs to mind. As a young impressionable young man, I had the good fortune to partner one of the best players in the club.....the very formidable Nora Smythe-Pickles......a woman of real statue and unshakable resolve. She once doubled her illustrious opponents for a juicy 1400 penalty, which considering they were two grandmasters was no mean feat. As we walked away from the table, she leaned over and whispered quietly in my ear : " You know Bigot.......I really enjoyed that "
- What do you think bridge will be in the future ?
- The current signs do not bode well....bridge if it is going to survive needs re-branding.......its image needs a complete overhaul. The game needs to be friendlier, faster, more exciting, and far more open in terms of competition. Everyone must feel welcomed and safe when they come to play bridge at any table. Slow players need to be weeded out of clubs.....they are a bloody pest. The way they drag down the bidding and play to the pace of a snail borders on the criminal. Other players of course end up losing both their enjoyment of the game, and their will to live. As for creating excitement and openness, the playing field needs to be levelled to give everyone an equal chance of winning. This will do wonders for every one's motivation. This requires every player to be given a personal handicap rating to enable a fairer scoring system to be set in place. This will take into account who's partnering who, and who against, on each and every board played. If handicapping systems work in both horse-racing and golf.....then why not bridge ? And oh yes.....don't forget about upping the prize money all round.
- Tell me about your worst memory of bridge ?
- Losing to that prat, Percy Pantopod, who in my opinion has as much bridge nous as single cell amoeba. The man is a fluky bastard , a jammy toe-rag, and living proof that in bridge huge injustices take place on a regular basis, when numpties like him walk off with the prizes.
- But wouldn't your vision of having handicap competitions produce more winners with the same skill level at Percy Pantopod ?
- By Jingo you're right.....best scrap that idea then
- Is it true that you captained the most successful bridge team ever to tour the United States of America ?
- Yes.....but those glory days may never be repeated ?
- Why is that ?
- Well, most of the team are either dead or serving prison sentences in some of the most notorious jails in the USA. Those whinging Yanks don't like to be beaten on their own soil. They accused my boys of behaving in both an unethical and unsporting way, and just because they over-reacted to some wicked, completely out-of-order provocation, most of them ended up in court on trumped up charges of assault, criminal damage and murder
- But if your team cheated and threatened opponents with violence, then how does dreadful behaviour tally with your original views that bridge should be friendlier and fairer, being the best game in the world ?
- Ah yes....it is the best game in the world..... simply because it offers the best opportunities for players to cheat and get away with murder. As for being fairer and friendlier.....well, let me remind you that all is fair in love and war........and bridge is war
- Well, your hypocrisy beggars belief..........and I don't like what I'm hearing.....so as far as I am concerned this interview is over
- Well sod off then, you useless bugger.......
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