( The plaintiff , Percy Pantopod , appeared before Bawtry County Court claiming he had been wrongfully suspended from the Slaughter House BC. Having accused Bigot-Johnson of cheating at the table, he soon found himself hanging by his ankles from an upstairs window, and then dropped, by the chairman's hefty henchmen. Both parties to this civil law case decided to present their own case before the learned judge. A short extract from the trial's transcript appears below. )
P : Do you admit to the fact I was suspended from the club within minutes of my accusation about your cheating
B-J : Yes I certainly do........once your membership had been revoked, your status became that of an unwanted trespasser. Therefore it was necessary for the club's stewards to remove you from the premises in a way that was both expedient and effective.
P : But I was suspended......and dropped..... from an upstairs window......
B-J : Well, we had to find some way to remove you from the premises without inconveniencing the members
P : But might I remind you that that there are procedures to go through before you can suspend a member
B-J : Listen muffin head .... as soon as you made that shocking and sinful allegation about my clever and cunning signalling methods, I left the table.......collared three other committee members.....held an impromptu meeting in the corridor....and came straight back with our decision and the unanimous recommendation to suspend you there and then.
P : But I never got a chance to give my side of the story......
B-J : No point.....everyone heard you calling me a cheat......and that amounted to gross defamation of my character.......and it was agreed that to have a hearing with you present was completely unnecessary, given the extent of your guilt.
P : But it was you who was the guilty one......guilty of outrageous cheating
B-J : You just don't get it do you ?......The whole damn club is full of cheats of one kind or another.....and to single me out as " a baddie " was mean, spiteful, and malicious......an act of blatant victimisation and harassment
P : Oh.....
B-J : And what's more it is my club and I can do whatever I like....
P : But the constitution says otherwise.....it is the members' club......and only they have the power to amend the rules.....
B-J : Not if I've ripped them up first.......and replaced them with a new set I cobbled together whilst locked inside a public toilet cubicle.......... suffering, I might add, from chronic constipation
P : And what does the new one say ?
B-J : Well, to put it simply .....it allows me to Act as God......or to put it another way....prosecutor, judge and jury
Judge : Hold on there....in this court I'm the judge....and you Bigot will be subject to an order to re-instate this man immediately....
B-J : No point.....there 's no club for him to come back to...
Judge : How come ?
B-J : I burnt it down knowing this toe rag was going to worm his way back in.....
Judge : Might I remind you Bigot that's arson.....and that means there will be no insurance money
B-J : Oops...I completely overlooked that.....bugger
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