THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY........................................................................

• Astro : the type of car that bridge players of limited financial resources tend to buy
• Directional Asking Bids : these are commonly made by visiting players forever wanting to know the way either to the toilets or the bar
• Unbalanced : refers to either a player or his/her hand, where both share the same characteristics: strange, lop-sided, abnormal, weird
• Touching suits : a term used to describe two well-dressed members, who are standing far too close to each other
• Prepared club : a heavy wooden object chiseled and shaped like a cudgel or baseball bat: occasionally used to punish undisciplined partners
• Playing tricks : something that practical jokers often do upon unsuspecting members. Whoopee cushions carefully hidden inside the upholstery of bar-room chairs is a favourite
• DOPI : a bidding convention that owed its origins to a sleepy-eyed player from Noddington BC, who was at the point of dozing off when an oponent thumped down an alarming bid over his partner's 4NT blackwood enquiry. His subsequent "pass", born out of confusion and disoreintation, caused the opponents to make their own enquiry. And so came back the legendary reply: " By passing this bid, this dopi bastard probably has one Ace...because if he hasn't he's more like to double ! "

TIME FOR A CHANGE.......SO BRING ON THOSE OSCARS ( Article by Carp ) Let's face it.....for most bridge clubs, competition trophies have had their day. With declining membership numbers, club events pull in less and less entrants. This means, more often than not, the same old faces walking off with the silverware. Perhaps, it also reflects the fact that very few competitions are handicapped, enabling pairs and teams from the upper echelons in class and ability to succeed time and time again. Well, surely it's time for clubs to consider alternative awards, which are up for grabs for all members,providing real opportunities for new faces to enjoy the limelight.....and gain recognition for their outstanding achievements. The solution is so straightforward and simple: clubs must set up their own Oscar awards. This could be done as part of a big social event with music, food and entertainment thrown in for good measure. These golden awards ( no expense should be spared ) can cover a vast range of achievements. So I have compiled a suggested list to get the ball rolling so to speak:

• Best HISTRIONICS award for the player who indulged in the most blatant exhibition of over-reacting to partner's unfortunate errors
• The PUFF ADDER award for the most self-deluded player who acts as though he/she is one of the club's rising stars
• BEST DIRECTOR award for the most courageous TD, having made decisions made against high profile but very intimidating players
• The EXCALIBAR award for up to 2/4 players who performed beyond their....and everyone else's ......widest expectations, putting many illustrious opponents to the sword
• Best SUPPORTING ROLES award for both male and female, whose winning performances upstaged those of their top-of-the-billing partners and/or team-mates
• The BEST ANIMATOR award for the player who elected to act the goat in an important match, just because he/she thought fooling around with the bidding might produce a few good scores
• The KAMA SUTRA award for the most prolific 69-ers, who regularly get their act together to produce scores in excess of 69%
• The BROKEN WATCH award for the player who recorded the slowest ever play of the cards, which brought both the table and time itself to a complete and utter standstill
• The SOUR GRAPES award for the most petulent display by a player with regards to the making a scene and the a never-to-be forgotten dramatic exit
• The HUFF AND PUFF award for the player whose wolf-like performance at the bridge table brought the house down, with kibitzers utterly captivated and blown away by such outrageous and ingenious play
• The ICARUS award for the player who, after scaling the dizzy heights of stardom and flying high, made the most spectacular fall back to earth with a scorecard steeped in shame
• The INCY WINCY SPIDER award for the rookie player who continued to make progress up the watery spout of the club's duplicate leader-board, despite numerous downfalls and pour results
• The DRESDEN award for the player who has taken the most sustained and undeserved flak but still emerged unscathed, going on to rebuild his/her game to the next level
• the CAMEO award for the player who without prompts found the only line of play to bring home a contract that no-one else managed.......even against best defence

( If any reader would like to suggest one or two of their own please use the comment box facility to forward them to me. If I get a sufficient number I shall publish another follow-up article quoting the best .....with credits duly acknowledged. Thank you. )

BRIDGE BOOKS THAT HAVE STOOD THE TEST OF TIME...( By Pun )

• Partner, You Were Rubbish, But...........................Aleisha Tryde
• Is The TD's Ruling Worth Appealing Against?.........Mae B. Knott
• My Favourite Bridge Stories..................................Jack N. Ory
• I Defended Like A Dick.........................................John Thomas
• Coffee Helps Me Stay Alert...................................Maxwell House
• What Did The Opponents Do To Upset You?..........R.U. O'Kaye
• Inter-state Bridge Teams Final..............................Ida Hoe & Mitch Egan
• How Do You Rate Our Chances Now, Partner?....Fay Dinaway
• I Cost Us The Championship...................................Ima Pratt
• Bigot-Johnson Needs Stamping On........................ Penny Black

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES.................................................. Continuing with my review of most unusual syndromes, here are two more which constantly plague bridge playing communities around the world.

• APOLLO NINE SYNDROME: This affliction tends to strike those players who now and again achieve moments of greatness.......briefly tasting the sweet sensation of stardom. The corrupting influence of accolades and publicity will send their expectations sky high. They wallow in the glory, boasting of better things to come. Nothing, at first, will get them down off cloud nine. However, the inevitable string of mediocre results that follow their triumph now start to remind them of their true status and rather modest ability. Not surprisingly, those feelings of euphoria are replaced with feelings of emptiness and despair. A reality-check is completed when future competition results see them firmly stuck at the bottom with all the other no-hopers and novices. This clearly demonstrates to the world at large (and themselves) the flukiness of their earlier triumph. And it is this final and stark realisation which brings them down to earth with a rather massive bump........and with egg all over their faces.
• ALICE IN WONDERLAND SYNDROME: This is a unusual variant of infla tedego, affecting only those players whose awareness of reality is very suspect.The strange thing about this particular syndrome is that victims develop a belief that their bridge brain is much bigger than it really is. By having some technical ability to bid and play the cards, the syndrome somehow distorts their perceptions of self to such an extent.......they firmly believe they are players of the highest calibre. Moreover, they perceive other players as being incredibly weak, inferior and insignificant. Therefore, they stand head and shoulders above them. Their grossly distorted delusions of grandeur, and skewed sense of proportion, actually leads them to look for bigger stages on which to perform. Their local club, alas, becomes a building reduced to the size of a doll's house...... far too small for such bridge giants like themselves to ever consider entering again .

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY.................................................................................

• Top of nothing : term used to describe the winners of consolation finals
• Double dummy : what declarer sees when overdoing the alcoholic refreshments during the interval
• RHO : a southpaw, who always leads off with a few probing jabs
• Trump reduction : a technique involving ruffing dummy's side suit winners ; rarely used except by tight-arsed expert players
• Spot card : what many defenders fail to do. By not registering the fact that a certain card has already been played, they inevitably foul up the defence later on
• Claim : the reckless practice of impatient declarers, who either get it wrong or fail to give a full and clear explanation of how the remaining tricks are to be won

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES......................................................................... Bridge players can develop syndromes like no other group of individuals. The list is endless. One that seems to affect thousands across the world is called STENDAL'S SYNDROME. This condition triggers increased heartbeats, palpitations and dizziness. These symptoms are usually experienced by less experienced players, such as beginners who have stepped up ......for the first time....... into the competitive arenas of duplicate bridge. When the victim finds him/herself as declarer, faced with a tricky hand, aware of his partner's high expectations, and needing a cool head and the calm approach to steer the contract home......the syndrome locks in. Victims, go into a near epileptic state whereupon they completely fall to pieces. This syndrome was named after the 19th century French novelist who wrote of his experiences, when introduced to the woman of his dreams. He became so flustured and over-excited he completely fluffed his words, and wet himself. The opportunity to make a score was lost forever.

OPENING YOUR MOUTH AND PUTTING YOUR FOOT IN IT.......................(Article by Pun )

Bridge players tend to be so focussed on the game, they tend to say things without ever realising what faux pas they have just committed. Without intent or malice, they constantly blurt out insensitive and hurtful remarks about others...almost as a matter of habit. It would not be surprising therefore for a bridge player while in conversation with another club member, who only has one leg, to quite innocently make a stack of inappropriate references such as: Long John Silver, Peg-leg Pete, Hopalong Cassidy, the Hokey Cokey......and so on. Indeed, not so long ago I overheard a conversation betwen two such members, where the two-legged one really excelled at the art of making faux pas. In the space of 5 minutes he came out with the following remarks:

• No need to get hopping mad.....
• There's just one more leg to go in this competition....
• It's your turn to foot the bill.....
• If you have another drink, you'll end up legless....
• I'm sorry if my bidding put you out on a limb.....
• I don't want our partnership to get off on the wrong foot....
• We both need to put our best foot forward.....
• So you much prefer weak jump overcalls...
• If you appeal against this TD's ruling, you won't have a leg to stand on.....
• When you get to my age, you know you've got one foot in the grave..

Some clinical psycholgists believe that the ability to make faux pas stems from the fact that players' brains become fully absorbed with bridge-related matters......to the exclusion of everything else. Therefore the part of the brain, which is responsible for the functioning of empathy, social etiquette and awareness, is temporarily disabled. Inevitably, the all consuming passion for bridge compells players to continually drop these verbal clangers......to the dismay and disbelief of those adversely affected. Mind you, I did hear of one enterprising bridge club that sold from behind the bar a licenced drug called "inhibitron" . This achieved a fair degree of success in that users began to speak very slowly, but more importantly to mumble and slur their words. Even if anyone had the patience to listen, it was impossible to grasp what was being said.

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES............................FREGOLI'S DELUSION : This is another variant of the Capgras Delusion which sadly affects a large number of bridge players. Here the victims, so often the harassed and harangued weaker players, develop a rare disorder, whereby they hold the delusional belief that their tormentors are always sitting directly opposite them at the table. Despite having different partners of a much more caring and friendly disposition, the sufferer can only see his tormentor ready to strike. Attempts to convince victims otherwise fall on feaf ears and closed minds. They remain totally convinced that their tormentors just change their appearance, being supreme masters of disguise. This disorder was first reported in 1939 by two psychiatrists, who were both asked to see a mentally ill female player. It soon came to light that her long-term partner had subjected her to years of constant bullying. So much so, she was utterly convinced that this was the norm for all partnerships. The painful memories were so distressing, the face of her tormentor became firmed etched and embedded in her mind. Therefore, every new partner she tried out...... always ( in her now twisted and damaged mind ) possessed the same characteristics and malevolent intent as her former one. Modern day psycho-analysts compare this disorder to an extreme ,but frightening, type of persecution complex. However, unlike a persecution complex where everyone is out to get you, fregoli's delusion is where one individual pretending to be others certainly is.

BRIDGE BOOKS THAT PUN HAS YET TO COME ACROSS................

• Bridge Talk Over Breakfast.................Hammond Eggs
• Giving Advice To Partner....................Casey Needzit
• Going All Out For Tops......................Hedda Steam
• Avoiding Trouble On Misfits................Vera Whey
• Drug Scandals In Bridge....................Dee Spenser
• I Love This Game..............................Alma Hart
• I Heard You First Time, Partner..........Louden Clear
• My Partner's Gone Walkabout. ......... Izzy Backyette

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES............................. Bridge players never fail to amaze me, such is their capacity to encounter a multitude of rare and unusual disorders. Not so long ago I had a client who suffered from CAPGRAS DELUSION. This particular disorder affects only inferior players. After a prolonged period of poor scores and a rapidly growing inferiority complexes, they suddenly take on a delusional belief that they are in fact technically more skilled and gifted at the game than their more illustrious partners. The delusion involves victims projecting all their failings onto partners, but taking in return all their expertise and know-how. Some psychoanalysts have queried whether this disoreder is no more than a peculiar form of schizophrenia. However, what we do know is that the victim's true-self simply crosses over the table to be temporarily relocated in the body of their partner.......and the void that was left behind is quickly filled by inventing a new-self, often in the likeness of their partner, with all his/her strengths and abilities. But one disturbing factor of this delusion is that nothing seems to stop them entering this fantasy world of escape and role-reversal. The pain and suffering, that once stemmed from the guilt and shame of their incompetence, are feelings well and truly confined to the past. This disorder is simply a defensive mechanism that enables them to transfer blame far more effectively than any other known strategy. However, there is still some debate on whether the disorder is real, being no more than a calculated ploy to avoid ever being named, blamed and shamed again. Whatever the outcome of this debate, it's nice to know that this rather strange disorder was, according to the script writers, the inspiration behind that marvellous comic movie " Trading Places".

EIGHT EVER , NINE NEVER: YES,YES....BUT THAT MANTRA IS FOR BEGINNERS......( Article Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi )

Much has been written about what to do when you and your partner have a 9 card fit (usually 5 opposite 4 ) and all that is missing is the elusive queen. Do you play for the drop relying on a 2-2 split, or do you finesse against the first opponent who has followed again on the second round of the suit ? Well, according to the age-old maxim you play for the drop.........unless of course you have gathered evidence and/or inferences from the bidding and/or play that the finesse offers better chances of capturing the queen. If, for instance, during a competitive auction your RHO has made a take-out cue bid in your suit, then surely that suggests he holds the singleton, placing his partner with the other three. Again, if competent opponents have bid to a high level on thin values, then this surely suggests that one of them does not envisage having more than one loser in your suit ! So what if your opponents have remained silent, and the early play of the hand reveals nothing. Do you stick with the old maxim ? Well, NOT if you are believer in the Law of Symmetry. This states that if you and your partner have in your short suit holding an even split........then, a reciprical 2-2 split will also show up in the opponents' short suit holding. So the odds are more in favour for the drop. However, if you and your partner show up with a singleton in your short suit holding, then the Law of Symmetry suggests that your opponents' 4 card holding will also reveal a singleton , by virtue of a 3-1 split. So now the fineese improves your odds for picking up that elusive queen. Indeed, statistical studies of 10oo's of computer dealt hands have clearly shown that by applying the Law of Symmetry, your chances of making the right call are greatly improved. Yet perversely, there is one final point that needs to be considered.......and this involves the need to deliberately go anti-system. Imagine being in 5 spades, and as dummy comes down you sense that most of the field will be in 6 spades. The contract is there only if the queen can be picked up. If the pairs in slam have nothing at all to go on ( and the Law of Symmetry favours a 2-2 split) , then most declarers will play to drop the queen. But you mustn't. There's no point in doing the same, because if the queen falls then 5S+1 scores very few match points. However, by going anti-system and opting to finesse, you have a chance of making a few match points. So say it fails..... what have you lost ? It is obvious that 5S tick is no more wretched than 5S+1, when slams elsewhere in the room are being brought in. However, should the finesse be the masterly play, then your wonderful 5S+1 will certainly outscore all those making either 5S tick or 6S-1.

LAW REPORT : WALNUT TREE ALLOTMENT BRIDGE TEAM v BIGOT-JOHNSON (2009) This civil action came up before the Sheffield and District County Court judge, the right honourable Sir Leon Stake. The plaintiffs were seeking compensation for being cheated out of a place in the semi-final of the national knock-out teams event. Bigot-Johnson was alleged to be the sole culprit, and not surprisingly he decided to conduct his own defence.

• Counsel (for the plaintiffs) : Your honour, the Walnut Tree Allotment team are seeking substantial damages for the pain and loss of having missed on a little piece of bridge history. This band of agricultural no-hopers were on the verge of something quite remarkable.......the semi-finals of the NIKKO at their first attempt..........
• B-J : Might I interject.......this rag-bag team of muddy-booted, filthy finger-nailed, country yokels.... two of which, I might add, have aussie accents.......are all trying to soil my good name and reputation.
• Counsel : But is it not true that during the match, the plaintiffs were beginning to get a little drunk.......not only from quite a few unexpected triumphs in doubled contracts making.......but also from a potent potato wine they brought with them ?
• B-J : Yes....because half the time they hadn't a clue about the bidding. Sometimes, they bid ludicrous game contracts that went off by 2 or 3 tricks......but then, they bid even more ludicrous game contracts that miraculously came home, through the fortunate lay out of the cards.
• Counsel : Those comments are irrelevant to this case.......for is it not true that you would have lost this match had it not been for the last board, where you perpetrated a distardly act which caught your opponents off guard.
• B-J; No comment .....
• Counsel : I'll refresh your memory.....on board 24 your opponents were clearly under the influence of alcohol. You had bid to 6S with one certain loser in clubs. The opening lead was a heart, and as it turned out the contract depended on you picking up the king of hearts. Unfortunately, with the Ace in dummy you could only finesse it one way....being through your LHO. Before you had time to make a decision, your RHO opponent who could hardly hold his cards by now, suddenly dropped two face-up on the table. These were the king and seven of hearts. In an instant, you knew the heart finesse would fail........unless of course you put this diabolical plan into operation. Although a card from dummy should have been played next ........you, with a total disregard for ethical protocol, immediately played your heart queen from hand ( from the South seat )......which your RHO opponent covered instinctively with his King......only for you to take the trick in dummy with the Ace. You had cleverly changed the rotation of the order in which the cards were to be played. As soon as you took this first trick, you claimed the contract before these two sozzled Aussies had realised what had actually happened.
• B-J ; Hmmm....I was ...perhaps.... guilty of a lapse in concentration ?
• Counsel : No.... it was a desperate, calculated and devious act of skulduggery.....
• Judge: I've heard enough....and I'm shocked and appalled at what depths you Bigot-Johnson are prepared to sink to in the quest for victory. .......So I find for the plaintiffs with damages to be awarded of £2000.
• B-J : Oh...Bugger

BRIDGE BOOKS QUICKLY READ BEST FORGOTTEN.......( By Pun )

• Partnering Grandmasters Makes Me So Nervous....Wilma Hart-Makett
• Matches I Lost That Made Me Feel Sick...............Philippa Bucket
• We Lost Again Partner, And I'm Gutted............Heywood U. Cuddle-Mee
• Conventions So Easy To Cotton Onto..................Fred D. Needle
• Basic Principles Of Bidding.................................Rudi Mentry
• Hitch-hikers Guide To Playing Bridge.................Juan Nalift
• The Argy-Bargy Of Competitive Bidding.............Jocelyn Ann Pushin

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES.......................... Over the past few years, I have unearthed many distressing psychological conditions and afflictions that bridge players ultimately develop over time. This particular condition is one that has disturbed me the most. It quickly develops into a behavioural trait that is so awful, many on-lookers have turned to God, pleading and begging that He ....... with his infinite power........... can compell the sufferers to carry out their own suicide ,or sign up to a voluntary euthansia clinic. INFLA TEDEGO: The latin name for this condition derives from a form of mental blindness, whereby sufferers display a disturbing inability to see themselves as they really are. Once this affliction gets well established, these poor but over-bearing victims begin to believe their status and ability as a bridge player is way beyond the reality of the situation. Despite failing to win any trophy or event of any kind, promotion up the EBU rankings tends to be the triggering factor. Each successive promotion is translated by them as evidence of improved ability. The status of becoming even a regional master goes straight to their head. The self-delusion becomes irreversible should such any of the sufferers fluke a success somewhere......or be asked to play in a team of higher ranking players. When the affliction becomes extremely acute, victims develop a level of vanity which manifests itself into extreme distorted thinking. For instance, they adopt the blinkered view that if anything has gone wrong at the table, it was clearly down to their partners' lack of ability and experience. They firmly believe only they can detect the errors made.....and which only they can correct........ with their expert on-the-spot analysis and coaching. Their egos become so immense, every statement they made begins with the word "I". As their heads grow, so does their ability to transfer blame onto others, when they themselves were clearly at fault. Moreover, victims of infla tedego remain utterly oblivious to the nausea, sickness and pain others will inevitable experience in their presence.

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG.............................................................

• Dear Rebecca, I don't know what to do to get my partner to play "proper" bridge. I've tried all sorts of things........repeated ear-bashings, giving him written reminders to attach to his convention cards, T-shirts with key bits of advice printed on the front, private lessons ( at a reasonable price , I might add ), dressing-downs you've never heard the like of, not to mention insults that would make even dead men squirm.......and all to no avail. I'm beginning to wonder whether I have psychologically damaged him in some way. Would " tough love " be a more effective approach ? Yours Howard Bigot-Johnson
• Dear Bigot, From my reading of your letter, you seem worried that you might well inflict even more psychological damage on your partner, if you continue with your current motivational methods. You query whether or not a new slightly softer approach might do the trick ? Well, try to see the situation in this way. Can you chop down a tree that's already keeled over in the wind ? Can you kill a horse that is already dead ? Can you prick a balloon that is already deflated ? Can you contaminate an apple that is already rotten ? I think not.
• The sad fact is your partner is well and truly beyond recovery. Psychologically, you have already destroyed him, and since he is now bereft of any self-confidence or self-belief.......poor bridge will follow him wherever he goes to play. Ironically, the good news for you is that he is now incapable of coming to any further psychological harm. Indeed, he is in effect completely immune to any further treatment you might have in store for him. And so to answer your question, there seems no point whatsoever for you to change your ways.......because firstly, your partner cannot change.....and secondly, the motives behind your methods are clearly designed to satisfy your highly inflated ego and sadistic tendencies. Praying I never come across anyone like you at the bridge tables............... yours almost lost for words, Rood

THE MOST DISGUSTING BRIDGE BOOKS EVER WRITTEN....................( As discredited by Pun )

• Everything You Need To Know About Bridge.....Allan Sundry
• Partner, I Have What You Need In My Hand..... Joy Stick
• For Many Players, Bridge Is A Religion............Evan Jellist
• Partner, Will You Stop Pissing About...............Jack Eatin
• The Bizarre World Of Bridge............................Alison Wonderland
• Whenever I Play, Shit Always Hits The Fan......Hu Flung Dung
• Light Openers And Mischeivous Overcalls.........Upton O. Goode
• Sorry Partner, I've A Real Bad Hand.................Abner Mallety
• That's It....Kick Me Where It Hurts Most !.........Mike Rotch
• Don't Let Bridge Stress You Out......................E. C. Duzzit

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY.....................................................................

• Jump bid : direct request for bed-time frolics
• Rule of 11: no substitutes allowed
• Laydown : what one needs to do to calm down after witnessing partner go off in one
• Protection : as aspect of the game some players tend to ignore
• Rubber : players' preferred choice, especially if concerned about protection
• Entry problem : a serious condition affecting only male members who engage in binge drinking
• MUD : a glorious signalling method ( nothing quite like it, infact ) that tells partner that you have "sod" all in that suit
• End play : opposite of foreplay
• Rank : (Adjective) used to describle the smell than emanates from the seat vacated by a elderly player with a weak bladder
• Throw-in : a term which originated in the late 1930's when a hapless player ( an ex-boxer ) found himself well and truly end-played. He decided at that point to throw-in the proverbial towel, and quit the game for good
• 4th highest : the smallest player at the table

JOHNNY SUPREMO: THINKING STRAIGHT AGAIN.............................. I have never claimed to be a superb technician in terms of bidding and play..............the secret of my success is to keep my thinking staight, never allowing myself to fall victim to reckless or frivolous flights of fancy. The skills I have developed to be a winner are logic and reasoning, complemented by a dollop of flair, vision, and an ability to improvise when no sensible alternatives seem available.

• Well, here is a hand which very few players reached a rigid 25 point grand slam, except for just two pairs, which included my partner and I. Sitting North, partner held: A10xxxxx......Axx......Qx.....K.......all of which went very well opposite my: void.....xx.......AKJ98xx.......Axxx
• The uninterrupted bidding sequence went as follows: 1S - 2D - 2S - 3D - 4D - 5C - 6C- 6D - 7D

So what went through my mind when partner opened one spade? " Hmmm....not surprised to hear that bid......anyway, here goes, I'll start off with two diamonds....... Oh no, partner has rebid 2 spades, suggesting extra length but a relatively weak hand......and now I'm at the cross-roads. What to do for the best? My options are 3D, 3C, and 4D, but I need to review the merits and drawbacks of each. 3 diamonds will be interpreted as non-forcing and partner could pass.....but thereagain we could have a massive misfit and 3D could be our best spot..... 3 clubs will be certainly treated as on-going alright, but that bid mis-describes the shapely nature of my hand. Moreover, the misfit in spades requires me to be more circumspect. I need to tread carefully until a fit is found. 4 diamonds is a real alternative, but this takes up too much bidding space, and a club fit might go undetected. Sod it, I'll have to settle on 3D and hope my partner can keep the auction going. .........Wow, partner's finally shown me some diamond support.....either three small or a doubleton queen/jack? So far I have bid quietly....but now I must come to life. To bid 5D would be a cop out....so I must bid 5C to show some interest in a slam, and a first round control. Partner can always close the auction with 5D himself .......But what's this.....6C from partner.....this is music to my years. Surely, this infers he's not worried by 2 quick losers in hearts or spades? It's too much to expect him holding both the major aces so I'll best settle for 6D. .....Good grief he's gone to seven.....now he does hold both the outstanding aces ....plus of course the king of clubs. Nice one....partner."

The play went very sweetly. The Ace of spades dealt with my losing heart. The third round of clubs held up allowing me to ruff small. The fourth club was ruffed with the queen, and even with diamonds breaking 3-0 the contract rolled home.

BIGOT-JOHNSON'S SOLUTION TO................ KILLING TIME Owww.....the other day the play was so slow it was a triumph for the snails alright......especially when the TD himself happens to be one of them. So there I was with oceans of time to spare ( on almost each and every round ) pulling out my hair in an attempt to relieve my utter frustration and boredom. So......... determined that none of us quickies should ever fall victim again to these numerous long bouts of inactivity, I have come up with the perfect solution to kill time. Yes, it's my very own " Bigot-Johnson's Activity Box Set " , which we should all carry around with us for such contingencies. Inside this box ( a snip at £40 ) you will find the following items:

• copy of " War and Peace "
• crochet kit
• pack of cards.... alongwith book on patience games
• painting-by-numbers set
• numerous sudoku and crossword puzzles
• bag of meccano pieces
• Rubik's cube
• Connect 4
• sculpturing knife...... plus block of wood
• personal manicure set

So never let these slow coaches drive you into a state of despondency and despair..............get buying, get busy, and really utilise all that spare time. First off perhaps, you could try crocheting a life-like voodoo doll of the snail-incarnate...........because plenty of pins are also included in the kit.

BRIDGE BOOKS FOR CONNOISSEURS......( As recommended by Pun )

• Thorny Problems In Declarer Play....................Rose Bush
• Pull Yourself Together, Partner........................Annette Curtain
• Play Bridge Like Luke Skywalker.....................Jed I. Knight
• Bridge Earnings Keep Me Going......................Emile Ticket
• What Signalling System Do You Play?.............Chris Cross
• They Trumped Your Trick Partner !...................Wendy Dothat

LAW REPORT: BIGOT-JOHNSON v BOZO THE CLOWN (1999) This rather unusual case involved the resurrection of an ancient old common law crime long thought defunct and obsolete. In a private prosection Bigot-Johnson took his own partner to court in an action that shocked the bridge world to the core. Below is a short extract from the transcripts of the Old Bailey trial, where Bozo The Clown was indicted for preserving his honour......in circumstances that bordered on gross negligence and serious misconduct. The incident took place on December 13th 1998 at the Cardinal Bridge Club.

• B-J: The prosection alleges .....being me of course.... that the idiot sitting in the dock ......that bozo of a clown .....that ex-partner of mine....that useless dopey-eyed rabbit .....is guilty of the most heinous crime ever to be perpetrated at the bridge tables......being the most outrageous act of preserving of his honour. During one crucial team match, the accused had a golden chance to save our first division status , if only he had managed to defeat the opposition's 3NT contract. Because of his failure to do what any decent, sane , sensible bridge player would have done with his cards, we cruelly lost the match by a cat's whisker....... to be ridiculed and shamed by the ignominy of relegation.
• Judge: Please explain to the court Bigot exactly what Bozo did?
• B-J: Indeed I will your Lordship......indeed I will..................South was in 3NT with the followings cards in dummy: 963.......A632............874............AKJ.................opposite his: QJ10....... K10.........KQ1096.........Q109
• I, sitting left of declarer held : A7542......J73......J32......75, whilst bozo the clown came up with: K8.....Q984......A5......86432
• Judge: Well tell the court what happened?
• B-J: At trick one I led my 4th highest spade (standard lead) which my partner took with the king. Back came a spade to my Ace and a third round of spades put declarer in with the queen. At this point my chances of getting back in depended on me winning with one of my jacks. But this was possible, if Bozo over there had sufficient wit and foresight to jettison his Ace of diamonds under declarer's queen of spades! However, because he didn't declarer went twice over to dummy with clubs, to lead diamonds up to his own king/queen . Bozo had to take his Ace at the second time of asking, and so declarer made the contract plus one with 3 clubs, 4 diamonds, 2 hearts and 1 spade. If Bozo had jettisoned the Ace of diamonds on the third round of spades, declarer was restricted to eight tricks only, because I would get in with the jack of diamonds to enjoy two more spade winners.
• Judge: But how was Bozo to know that was what he had to do?
• B-J: Because no other line of defence was available . His duty was to try to create a possible entry for me. This is failed to do. Preserving his honour was a dispicable act of misconduct which needs to be punished.
• Judge: Well, I was always told Aces were for biffing kings.....not to randomly lob away
• B-J: Upon my soul.....you're a bad as him......
• Judge: I've heard enough......this action is a frivolous waste of the court's time and is born out of sour grapes. I recommend to the jury that Bozo....the clown that he may be.....is innocent of any criminal charges.
• B-J: Bugger

BRIDGE BOOKS: THE BEST BARGAIN BUYS............................( Research by Pun )

• Achieving Perfect Partnership Understanding....Toby Aswan
• Bridge Players Are A Dying Breed.......................Jerry Attric
• Bigot-Johnson Talks Rubbish..............................Tommy Rott
• Playing Bridge Without Thinking.........................Otto Pilot
• Is Interest In Bridge On The Wane......................Peter Howt
• If Opponents Upset you......................................Callum Burkes
• No More Mistakes Partner, I Promise..................Will B. Goode
• Shooting For Tops In All Directions....................Tommy Gunn
• Bridge Can Be Deadly..........................................Anne Thrax
• Yesterday's Bridge..............................................Tom Orrow

HOW FICTION OWES ITS ORIGIN TO REALITY......................( Article by Bridgemeister Gibson )

• Not so long ago my great grand-father told me about his university days when he shared digs with two fellow medical students. One of them, after several career changes, went on to be a writer of classic horror stories. He remembered how both of them were shocked by their other flatmate's occasional bouts of abnormal behaviour, because to the world at large he came across as a very mild mannered man. These strange aberrations occured whenever he returned late from an evening out. He would storm into the flat, slamming doors and banging his hands on the walls in total frustration. His face became grotesquely twisted and distorted, like a man engulfed by torment and pain. What on earth had brought about this frightening change of character?
• Determined to find out the answer, the two of them decided to follow him the next time he ventured out into the night. What ale-house of ill-reput was this strange flatmate going to that served up the devil's own potent brew? What hell-hole could he be entering that destroys both the minds and souls of innocents? So when their colleague walked through the front door of the local bridge club, they both seemed totally dumbstruck and perplexed. Nevertheless, after electing to wait outside for 3 hours, they saw their friend emerge with that same demonic and vengeful look.....ready to maim ...ready to kill. Yet he was not on his own in that respect. There were others storming out of the premises looking like wild rampaging savages, as if possessed by some evil omnipotent force.
• So there we have it......the truth behind the inspiration and idea for that well-known but rather disturbing tale of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde..........a story that later on saw my grandfather's flatmate achieve the status as a great horror-fiction writer. To the immense relief of the bridge playing community, he attributed the cause of Dr. Jekyll's transmation purely down to drinking an experimental laboratory potion.
• However, the reality is still with us. In almost every club, certain members arrive....warm, friendly people.....that is until they start playing bridge. And once they embark on that journey, the transformation begins. Nothing can stop them changing into creatures of the most unsavoury kind. The power of bridge to alter people's characters and personalities beyond recognition clearly stunned my great grand-father, and several generations of psycho-analysts. Indeed, the most eminent one in the world today, Dr. John , has done much research on this dangerous and pathological disorder. For him the fictional concept is far less scary the reality that inspired it.

JOHNNY SUPREMO: HOW BAD CAN ANYONE'S DEFENCE GET?..............

• As much as I welcome gifts, earning tops through skill and technical ability will always give me far more pleasure. However, there are occasions when a gift does prove most welcome. In a recent congress, I wasn't quite on top of my game, and I knew that if I was to be in with a shout for a top place, I needed a good board to ensure this penultimate round turned into 20-0 victory. My opponents were a surprise pair of LOLs, one of which was a very able player......but obviously suffering from poor eyesight.
• So there I was in 4S after the bidding went 2S from me (weak), 3D overcall, and 4S from my over-ambitious, or should I say, reckless partner. As he tabled his hand: .....xx.....AQxx.....xxx......KQxx...... my jaw nearly fell to the floor, as it offered little help to me with my: J109xxx...Kxx....xxx.....A...........
• I was looking at three off for minus 300......until divine intervention stepped in. My RHO opponent took the opening king of diamonds lead with her stiff Ace, only to lead back a club. Gratefully seizing this trick with my Ace, I hopped over to dummy via the Ace of hearts to pitch my two diamond losers on the king/queen of clubs. One off now....and I was reasonably happy.
• But happiness turned into sheer joy when the fourth club was ruffed by my RHO opponent with the 3 of spades .....only to be over-ruffed by me. So if the remaining spades were breaking 2-2 the impossible contract was coming home. Next came the jack of spades, taken on my left with the queen, with my RHO opponent playing the 8. On recapturing the heart return with my king, I then volunteered the 10 of spades, taken on my left with the Ace.......but with my RHO discarding the 3 of clubs !!!
• So when the King of spades did appear to set the contract one off.....remarkably it turned up on my right, and so two revokes could now be established. Obviously, the blind old biddy had suited the two black threes incorrectly. With uncharacteristic meanness, I asked for and obtained a two trick adjustment, which meant I recorded a score of +650. This surely raised a few eyebrows for all the other North/Souths who saw the scorecards later.....only to wonder how was it possible for any defence to be that bad ?

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG............................................................

• Dear Rebecca, I'm at my wits end......for as you know I'm a good solid pairs player, but just lately weak opponents seem to be saving their only good boards against me. In recent duplicates, these rabbits are lobbing gifts to all and sundry until they come to my table. Then miraculously they take on both the table presence and ability of international grandmasters. Am I the victim of an evil conspiracy, or an irrational persecution complex. This disturbing state of affairs is causing me endless sleepless nights. What's your view on this? Yours in desperation, Lou Singit
• Dear Lou, You do seem to be cracking up, but please try to look at your poor results from another angle. It's not the opposition doing good things......it's more than likely that you are trying too hard to get results against these irritating bunnies. As a consequence of trying to create tops, you are probably doing things that give you outright bottoms. Against weak players you don't have to do a thing.....they will always hang themselves providing you give them enough rope. Get real and treat these weaker opponents as though they are fish in a barrel waiting to be shot. There's no need for you to get stressed by thinking hard and long.......just relax and spice up your game with a few devious bids which create simple but effective traps. Adopt the instinct of a lazy hunter by luring them onto the paths of self-destruction. Every time the trap is sprung, an effortless top will be gifted to you. Yours faithfully,Rood
• PS. If the above advice doesn't quite do the trick, then I suggest you read the following books on the subject. These come recommended by my old friend and colleague.....the one and only Pun. I feel very confident indeed that these books will really help you out:
• Bunnies May Have Big Ears, But They Never Listen To The Bidding
• How To Use Dazzling And Blinding Bids To Paralyse Bunnies With Fear
• Ferret Out The Rabbits In Your Club And Go For The Kill
• How To Inflict Huge Bottoms On Rabbits ( And Send Them Hopping Mad )
• How To Fix Bunnies With Highly Unusual And Hare-Raising Bids
• 22 Carrot Gold Tips On Bunny Bashing

ESSENTIAL BRIDGE BOOK READING FROM DOWN UNDER.......( As recommended To Pun by his Aussie friend Scott )

• Polish Up Your Declarer Play...........................Lynn C. Doyle
• Bigot Johnson: The Best Bridge Player Ever.......Poppy Cox
• Amusing Bridge Stories...................................Beryl O'Laffs
• Putting The Wind Up Your Opponents..............Gail Force
• What Matters To Me Is Winning........................Helen Hywater
• The Great Bridge Matches Of The 1930's...........Hal C. N. Daze
• Name A Game That's Better Than Bridge?.........Dom N. Knows
• What To Take On A Bridge Holiday...................Kit Ann Caboodle
• What To Get Up To On A Bridge Holiday...........Hank E. Panky
• Spice Up Your Game..................Rosemary Fennel & Marge Oram

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG.........................................................

• Dear Rebecca, The other day I was completely undone by a psyche ! Not surprisingly, my partner and I missed our best contract and recorded a bottom. Surely, this sort of bid is not right, and should be banned? Yours, looking for sympathy Henry Hubble.
• Dear H, Psyches as you well know are a legitimate part of the game, alongside many other useful but deceptive ploys. Good players need to develop that art of deception if they seek to gain an edge on their rivals. As for me I think that most psyche bids are easy to spot. Believe in the cards you see in front of you and, of course, your partner's bids. If you want to play bridge in the big pool, then expect to meet to a few sharks. So either wise up on your game, or go looking for ponds where only the little minnows swim. Yours unsympathetically Rood.

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES............AND BACK TO THOSE TERRIBLE AFFLICTIONS Yes, folks, I've been busy again rooting through my old medical records to unearth even more startling afflictions, which seem only to affect bridge players. So brace yourself before you read on.....in case you recognise ownership of such symptoms, thereby compelling you to seek out your nearest psycho-analyst for urgently needed help.

• DYSFUNCTIONAL TIME AWARENESS SYNDROME: This condition has been linked to those poor unfortunate players who have a rare and unusual brain abnormality. Often, and wrongly, diagnosed as slow thinkers, most sufferers of this syndrome have been found to have a malfunctioning section of the brain, which is used to register and record the passage of time. As a result, the minutes that elapse ........each time the sufferer ponders over what bid to make, or which card to play.......will only be perceived by him/her as seconds. In some cases, it has been shown that the longer the time- intervals involved, the perception for them is that the intervals are much much shorter. Nothing seems to prompt sufferers to play in tempo, not even the loud snoring sounds emanating from the other players at the table. Imposing fines and penalties have failed to provide an effective remedy. However, some psycho-analysts believe that the decriminalisation and use of the banned drug called "speed" could offer some hope of a cure.
• ANALYTICOCOMPLEXITUSADINFINITUM: This affliction still carries its latin name from when it was first diagnosed in roman times. What medical practioners had noticed was that senate leaders would endlessly debate all the possible permutations and outcomes of their war games. However in bridge circles, sufferers are often found huddled together discussing hands for several hours, debating and arguing the pros and cons of alternative bidding sequences, layouts, defence, and declarer plays. Individuals' mistakes are examined rigorously, and opinions offered by others are ruthlessly scrutinised and challenged. Those blighted with this affliction can continue the discussions weeks....even months.....later, if nothing was resolved first time around. Sufferers are easily recognised by their repetitive use of the following words:
• but............assuming.......alternatively.......... better to ..... there again ....... give partner the ...............however .............that depends entirely on ...........providing that.....if.... .....what if.............to name but a few.

BRIDGE CLUB DISCIPLINARY SUB-COMMITTEE MEETING No.47............................. It had been observed that a certain bridge club member had perpetrated the infamous Alcatraz Coup upon another member, who was renown for his unethical hesitations. These were solely designed to misguide declarers into thinking they possessed an honour card when the opposite was true. Bigot-Johnson was the man in the dock, adamantly believing he had a right to do exactly what he did. An extract from the hearing's transcript can be seen below:

• B-J: " You've got the wrong man...you should be after that other cheating dog.....why pick on me?"
• Com: " Correct us if we are wrong, but are these the facts of the case. You were in 6S with one certain loser in clubs. To make this contract you needed to find the diamond queen with A987 in dummy opposite your KJ106. Aware of your LHO's track record for questionable hesitations, you volunteered the jack of spades towards dummy's K876 like a man who was missing the queen. This cunning and careful play seduced your LHO to get up to his old tricks. With the bait set....he responded in his usual way.....fumbling the cards as though he held the queen. And so you, sitting with this card all the time, now had a read on his "tell". So after pulling trumps, you then ran the jack of diamonds, and surreptitiously observed his behaviour. Not surprisingly on this occasions, your LHO..... who did indeed hold the queen.....smoothly played a low card in tempo. Accordingly, you took the finesse which worked, clearly based on your LHO's new demeanor....being of course the inverted tell. With the slam duly making, you then decided to pour salt into his wounds by going on on about your wonderful intuition and table presence."
• B-J: " Yes, those are the facts.......but surely, I cannot be crimed for exposing an unethical behaviour at the bridge table.....and for just having acute observational skills? "
• Com: " His unethical behaviour provides no excuse for yours. You set out to trap a victim into revealing a tell, and that in itself is another example of unethical behaviour. It is the equivalent of leaving money around in order to tempt someone into committing theft. Two wrongs do not make a right....and you Bigot-Johnson were the instigator and perpetrator of this whole shameful incident. The proper procedure for you was to call the TD regarding your opponent's attempted deceit.....not to exploit it. The Alcatraz Coup has no place whatsoever within this bridge club. And because of your appalling disciplinary record we have decided to suspend you for a period of 2 weeks. Anything you wish to say other than...bugger ?"
• B-J: "I guess not...............other than bollocks."

EVEN MORE RARE BRIDGE BOOKS TURN UP AT AUCTION.................( As seen by Pun )

• Bad Boys Of Bridge.........................Rene Gades
• Pardon Me, Partner..........................Grant Head
• Bridge Is Music To My Ears..............Amanda Lynn & R. Monniker
• I've Just Played 64 Boards !..............Gladys Over
• My First Congress Success.............Hal E. Luya
• My Thoughts On Bigot-Johnson........Wayne Kerr
• Bridge Table Antics..........................Bea Gorra
• DIY Bridge Lessons.........................Andy Mann

JOHNNY SUPREMO STEPS UP TO THE PLATE............................................

• The other day I was involved in a knockout teams event and the opposition were taking us to the wire. On the penultimate board my partner and I bid up to a small slam in spades on our combined 19 count.
• Partner held:...........................A108x....... AQJxxx....xx......x
• Opposite my:.........................KJ9xxxx.........x............x......Axxx
• The opening lead was the 7 of hearts. My initial plan was to take the two outside Aces, ruff three clubs, and then harvest 7 spades....using the Ace and the King later on to pull the two outstanding trumps. But that meant ruffing hearts to get back into my own hand to lead clubs. The heart lead made me deeply suspicious. What if my RHO is short in hearts and has both the outstanding trumps? Yet if I take two rounds of trumps early, might this restrict my ability to ruff three clubs?
• Then in a flash, the solution came to me. The correct and best line, which guarantees the contract whatever the lay of the cards, simply involves taking trick one with the Ace of hearts.......followed immediately by two rounds of trumps ending in dummy. At trick four all I needed to do I was play the queen of hearts and discard my diamond, irrespective of who came in with the King. Now, I could ruff two losing clubs with dummy's two remaining trumps, pitching my third losing club on the established jack of hearts. Slam made.

The match was won......and logical thinking had triumphed again.

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES............................................... The other day I was browsing through some old case notes, when I came across a disorder which seems to affect certain members within my club on a seemingly random basis. I recall at the time not being able to put a label on this disorder.............but then the penny dropped. It was all too obvious....these people suffered from IRRITABLE HOWELL SYNDROME. This only affects players who have serious problems with movements, and who would prefer to remain seated throughout the whole session. When they are not in a position to qualify for a sitting seat on medical grounds, they tend to plead with their first round opponents not to be the moving pair......usually with a degree of success. However, if they lose the cut and are compelled to move, the victims irritation soon becomes apparent ,but is usually manageable and kept under control. But what causes them to really lose control is when they hear the TD announcing an Howell movement. Because this automatically forces nearly every pair in the room to move, and the chances of anyone getting a sitting seat become very remote indeed. It is in these circumstances that the syndrome really locks in. Victims are then seen moving from table to table, moaning and groaning as they do so. This intensifies as the session wears on. Inevitably, their outbursts become more vociferous and louder when stairs are involved. Sadly, nothing can be done for these cantankerous sufferers. Hypnosis, which attempted to promote the idea that exercise might be good for them, was one of many therapies tried....but without any success whatsoever.

LOST TREASURES RE-SURFACE AS RARE BRIDGE BOOKS TURN UP AT AUCTION ............... ( Spotted of course by Pun )

• Bridge Out In The Open..........................Al Fresco
• Picking Up Those Signals.......................Ray Darman
• The Secret To Sweet Success................Sherry Trifle
• Pot Hunting...........................................Terry Cotter
• USA Inter-state Teams Final 2009...........Mary Land & Ken Tucky
• Spring Congress Pairs...........................April May Tyme
• Getting Away With Murder.....................Scott Free
• What Became Of Bigot-Johnson ?..........Evan Knowes & Hugh Kerrs
• You're Over-reacting Partner...................Mel O'Drama
• Don't Let Bad Scores Get You Down.......Maud Lynn

JOHNNY SUPREMO AT YOUR SERVICE.............................................................

• I just want to report on a hand where many players failed to make the small slam in hearts......but I wasn't one of them.
• Dummy had come down with:....................... K10.......Kx..........AJxx......Qxxxx
• opposite my:..................................................AQ.....AQJ109x.....Kx........Axx
• Eleven tricks were on top, and if the diamond finesse worked......one losing club could be easily jettisoned. Alternatively, if the diamond queen was offside-to-three, the third round of diamonds could then be ducked with one small club thrown away, leaving the established jack of diamonds to deal with the other losing club.
• If either of these options have been attempted it was doom and gloom all round. So what line did I take? One consideration was to play a low club from both hands first. This caters for either a stiff king, or a king doubleton in either hand. And if, after playing the Ace of clubs next, the king still hasn't appeared, then it's time to fall back on the diamond finesse. But I wasn't happy with this, despite the fact that a defender on my left would have to be helluva brave person not to play king from Kxx......in the belief that I had planned to play low.
• I felt it was technically correct to try the clubs first, by leading low up to the queen. If the club king was on my left, then all my problems were over, whether it is played or not. If however, the queen loses (to the king on my right), then again it's back again to the diamond finesse. This line of play gave me about 75% chance of making.

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY..................................................................

• void: what many players seem to have between their ears
• unbalanced: (adjective) to describe a player who is completely "off his head"
• loser: a term applied to both a card or a player destined never to win
• discard: lobbing away a card in another suit. The term originated in 1793 when during a game of rubber bridge, a rather loud German was heard to say " Vot to throw away....dis card....or dat card? "
• improper call: an inappropriate remark made at the bridge table such as: "cocked that up"....."I don't think I should have come tonight, partner"......."There's nothing wrong with the odd bottom now and then."
• attitude signal: a clear warning one player might give to his partner, which clearly states that any mistakes on his/her part will give rise to the most severe reprisals.

BRIDGE CLUB DISCIPLINARY SUB-COMMMITTEE HEARING No.43...... It came as no surprise to the panel to see the disgruntled Bigot-Johnson storm into the committee room. This particular hearing had been urgently convened, following the deluge of complaint letters being sent in about his recent article in the club's newsletter. Somehow this had slipped through the censorship net and vetting procedures that had only been put in place, to guard against this type of material. This was in response to an utterly outrageous article of his months earlier. The latest complaints centred on his claims that the club membership was full of "oldies.......who were well past it" .....and in most cases "over the hill". This is a short extract from the transcript of the hearing.

• B-J: " Well, what is it this time......to be dragged in here like this....when I could be playing golf ..."
• Com: " You know very well why you've been called in. We've already told you about the letters of complaint we have received....and we now want some answers."
• B-J: " So be it... well, first off, I would like to say that you lot must also be over the hill....if you can't see what's going on around you."
• Com: " Now, enough of that.........We need to know on what grounds you are able to come out with such ludicrous statements about the members ? "
• B-J: " I pride myself on astute observation, logical and clinical analysis of the facts, being able to draw correct conclusions based on the weight of evidence and the balance of statistical probabilities. Let me explain.....Over the past three months I've witnessed numerous incidents which stack up as irrefutable evidence to support my views. For instance, only yesterday I came across a player who brought with him a custom made abucus, which had 13 beads on each row...... to aid him with his counting. Oh yes, then theres was a LOL who opened a pre-emptive 3 spades on her 7-3-3-0 distribution, only to then realise that 3 of the diggers were actually blackberries. To top that, a few weeks ago when the bell went, two members actually got up from their tables to line up outside for the school morning assembly. You want more examples.....? Well, the best one involved a member who .....on hearing his partner say "wow, you're really on fire, tonight".....rushed to the toilet to douse himself with cold water. But the ultimate has to be another LOL who , after playing a spade on the first round of clubs, called the TD over alleging that the other three were all guilty of having revoked.........The list is endless."
• Com: " Yes...yes...we get your drift....but now it's time you got ours. Members of this club do not come here to be offended. Their momentary aberrations are not to criticised....they are to be excused. Members expect their feelings to be respected. They don't expect to be hurt by cruel, vitriolic, gross exagerrations and distortions of the facts. There is no justification or need to make pointless and unnecessary remarks just for your amusement, and that of others who might share your particular prejudices and jaundiced views. There are things that are better left unsaid. So on that note, we have decided to issue you with a ban. You are forbidden to voice any controversial or confrontational views on issues, which might cause alarm or concern to other members. You are to keep your conversation extremely civil, polite and friendly at all times....or else ,we will have no other option but to terminate your membership from this club. Do you have anything to say...?
• B-J: " Bugger......"

JOHNNY SUPREMO SPOTS THE DANGER.......................................

• Is it me being brilliant......or others just being plain stupid. There I was the other night routinely making a standard four hearts tick, only to see the scoresheet littered with 4H -1 all over the place. What is up with these people ? Dummy had come down with what I had hoped for: a very useful:......Kxx .......98xx.........KJxxx.....x..................opposite my tasty..........AJ109....QJ10x.....AQxx.......x
• MY LHO had entered the bidding with a vulnerable 2 club overcall, supported by his partner on the basis of shape. His opening lead of all cards was the queen of spades........straight into the jaws of death ! But was he insane ?......I think not.....It was the great man himself.....Bigot-Johnson .....a player we have come to revere and fear.
• What then was his game plan? He was obviously after a spade ruff, envisaging the play to go as follows. I win the first trick and play a heart, losing say to Bigot's King. Then with the opponents back on lead comes a second spade, which I take in order to play another round of trumps . But now Bigot-Johnson swoops in with the Ace of hearts, ready for the kill. A simple low club switch puts his partner in to lead back a third spade, for him to ruff with his third heart, and defeat the contract. Surely this was the way it must have gone elsewhere in the room?
• So what was my game plan? The answer is at trick two I elected to play a club ! Whoever takes this trick can indeed play back a second spade, but the danger of a ruff is over if Bigot holds the two top hearts. Because now, he is unable to put his partner in for that crucial ruff. Yet another classic example of the scissors coup aimed at cutting the opponents' communications.

LATEST BRIDGE BOOKS TO HIT THE STORES.....................( Research by Pun)

• Playing Too Much Bridge Can Send You Mental........Hugo Craise
• Hogh Voltage Bridge................................................Meg A. Watts
• The Orange Book Explained......................................Clement Tyne
• It's Scary Playing Bigot-Johnson..............................Petra Fyde
• Best Let Me Play The Contracts................................ Ima Hogg
• Why Are All My Cards Full Of Spots?........................Lucy Nating
• Bidding Games On Thin Values.................................Mustapha Punt
• Who The Hell Called Me A "Spade"?.......................... Rachel Slurr
• Team Selection: The Way Forward...........................Cherry Picking
• Suicide Declarer Play...............................................Harry Carry

RECOMMENDED ALBUM TRACKS FOR LATE NIGHT LISTENING AFTER A BAD NIGHT'S BRIDGE........( Courtesy of Pun )

• The Crying Game........................Boy George
• Bridge of Sighs............................Palomar
• Meet Me At The Bottom...........John Lee Hooker with Canned Heat
• Cold As Ice..................................Foreigner
• I'm Losing Tonight.......................A Passing Fancy
• Going Down................................Bruce Springstein
• I'm Down....................................The Beatles
• Slowhand....................................Eric Clapton
• ( I'm ) Guilty Partner...................New Order
• Bridge Over Troubled Waters......Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel

CURMUDGEONS ( Part 2 ).........................................................( By Carp ) As I pointed out in part one, a curmudgeon cannot help but vent his spleen at partner, especially when blame can be firmly directed his way. So let's look at a few more carefully worded statements that skillfully mix sarcasm with despair.

• " what's wrong with bidding ........ first ? "
• " it's the wrong sort of hand to make that bid "
• " some overcall.... "
• " with a hand like that pass was the only sane bid "
• " this is what comes from a deviation "
• " did notrumps ever occur to you as a bid ? "
• " bid up partner "
• " not what you promised partner "
• " not what I expected "
• " this contract would have played better from your side "
• " what have you done to me ? "
• " why didn't you put me back into my suit ? "
• " why put me back into my suit ? "

However, not all curmudgeons are result merchants, destined to be dissatisfied with boards that fail to score 100%. The focus for this group is to embark upon a quest to achieve the ultimate level in bidding precision and perfection. For instance, if the curmudgeon here crimes you for not reaching slam, only to discover that every other pair that bid it, then failed to make 12 tricks.....as a result of a wicked trump break...... he is not bothered a jot about the fortuitous top. Why? Well, the fact remains the slam bid was mandatory with that type of hand.....and therefore, partner's negative and defeatist approach to bidding needs to be chastised. It will will pointed out, no doubt with a big dollop of sarcasm, that timid bidding generates far more bottoms than tops. Nevertheless, one must never be put off by playing with a curmudgeon, because most are good players who are keen to improve their partner's game. In any sport or competitive game, coaches are always looking to raise the bar, no matter how good the player's current level of performance. I just wish that curmudgeons partnering me could balance their destructive comments with a few positive ones of praise and encouragement............ where they are clearly warranted.

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY...........................................................

• shape : something you once had before you took up bridge
• bottom: part of your partner's anatomy which you often kick when he is responsible for a zero score
• control : players tend to lose this, when results start going from bad to worse
• card : a player who sees himself as a joker, looking to play tricks....but never capable of making any
• negative response : what a frisky player gets when his bold and amorous bid is rejected out of hand
• ditch : usually associated with an unwanted card, but it applies more to an unwanted partner and where best to dump his body
• losing trick count : an estimate made during an auction of what tricks you think might be lost, but if as declarer you end up losing more ....and it was partner's bids that were in error ...let him know it's time for him to do his losing teeth count
• relay bid : one that passes the buck ( or is it baton? ) onto the other player to actually bid a proper suit

CURMEDGEONS:Part 1............( Article by Carp) Bridge players by and large are a rum lot of individuals, often developing into a rare breed of curmudgeons. They are hard to please, never completely satisfied with their (or partner's) performance, too quick to criticise, and prone to periodic bouts of despair and depression at the table. Sounds familiar...doesn't it? Indeed, curmudgeons are renown for never being pleased when dummy's hand goes down. On the one hand it may be too good....and the painful realisation of a missed game or slam sets in. But then, on the other hand, it is usually lacking in some respect.....be it points, shape or trump holding. At the table the curmudgeon will always offer a courteous "thank you", but underneath the veneer of gratitude there lurks gross disapproval and content. However "restraint" is not a word in the curmudgeon's vocabulary, and all too often sarcastic one-liners emerge from their mouths. So let's look at a few of the classic comments that poor unfortunate dummies have had to put up with over the years:

• " that's the worst 23 points I've ever seen "
• " not much help there partner "
• " I've seen better "
• " so much for your bidding "
• " all your points are in the wrong places "
• " you supported me on that garbage "
• " you cannot pass on that......"
• " if I'm not mistaken, you did bid a.....? "
• " what sort of a raise was that ? "
• " must you open on rubbish ? "
• " I can only see..........points, partner "
• " you're off your head "
• " you forgot the system....didn't you ? "
• " why not double them instead ? "
• " lurking again ? "

So partnering a curmudgeon partner is no joy ride. In part 2, published tomorrow, we shall look at more of these cutting jibes and classic put-downs...... which will firmly fix in your mind that whatever you bid at the table, you are destined never to get it right.

DR. SIGMUND T. SCHUKELGRUBER SPEAKING: EVEN MORE BRIDGE TABLE ANTICS TO REPORT.....................

• Well, there I was at the club the other night, with Bigot Johnson of all people stepping in as my partner. What a nightmare. Nevertheless, two of his histrionic outbursts,........I did have some sympathy for .....given the nature of the opponents' quite outrageous bridge table antics .
• One particular shenanigan involved my right-hand opponent (RHO) who, after two passes, made a super light opening bid of one diamond in 3rd position. Bigot-Johnson overcalled one heart, and now my LHO stepped in with one spade. I passed this bid having modest values and a 3-2-5-3 shape. Now came the "fast pass", given that my RHO's pass card hit the table nano-seconds after mine. Well, I ask you.....the speed of this call surely carried one message only......and that was the obvious "I don't want us to compete anymore partner.....not red against green". Bigot went ballistic, screaming : "can't you buggers bid in tempo?" However, the TD failed to see my partner's point of view, and with the LHO opponent finding a nice safe diamond lead at trick one, we were condemned to a below average board.
• The second incident that got to Bigot-Johnson was towards the end of the session....but by then I was a mental wreck....... and two rather fat LOLs came to our table. My partner opened one notrump to which I responded two clubs, alerted as a stayman enquiry. My LHO then asked Bigot-Johnson....a fatal mistake....as to what the bid said about my hand: " Does it promise both majors or one........or perhaps none?" Viewing her with both suspicion and loathing, he eventually grunted out a reply: " Non-promissory". Then, after we settled for game in 3 notrumps.... low and behold.... my RHO makes an opening lead from her small doubleton heart. Despite partner having the Ace in this suit, it was my LHO who eventually cashed out four heart winners, alongwith her outside Ace. One off was a bottom for us, and Bigot completely freaked out. He loudly appealed to God to bring forward the day, when decent, upright citizens like himself could take the law into their own hands and bring back "lynchings" and "floggings". When the rant was over, with the TD now in attendance , both these slippery eels denied any wrongdoing....and the score was allowed to stand. At this point, Bigot stood up to make his final parting shot. Staring directly at them he bellowed out: "these two have given the acronym LOL a whole new meaning....namely... LUMPS OF LARD". For first time I was in complete agreement with him.

BRIDGE BOOKS THAT EVEN BIGOT-JOHNSON CONDEMNED AS RUBBISH....( By Pun )

• Bridge Is For Sad Old Gits................................Josh Kidding
• Love Across The Bridge table............................Bill N. Coo
• Is Bridge Going To The Dogs?...........................Jack Russell
• Getting Your Own Back....................................Eve N. Stevens
• Going Nuts Over Bridge....................................Al Monz
• Players' Most Irritating Habits...........................Constance Cratching
• Making Up To Partner......................................Sarah Nade
• What....Call Me A Cheat?................................Lee Vitout
• Officious TDs..................................................Des Potts
• Squeeze Your Opponents................................Tilly T. Hertz

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG........................................................................................... ( The letter below has been redrafted in order not to offend the sensitivities of delicate law abiding readers.)

• Dear Rebecca, Several members at my club have sent in letters of complaint about my alleged rudeness and offensive behaviour at the tables. Well, being a rough diamond I suppose, I was brought up to call a spade a spade, and to tell people straight what was on my mind. I'm not one who suffers fools gladly ....and this club of mine believe you me is full to the rafters with such people! It's not in my nature to sweep things under the carpet, to overlook burning issues, to turn a blind eye and avoid confrontation. What am I to do when faced with stupidity, petty mindedness, and bridge-table gaffes, that would make any sane man pull out his hair in sheer frustration. Am I to smile.....or hand over bunch of roses?
• And what if I encounter dopey, hesitant, revoking and revolting opponents? Do I just sit there like a pudding and allow their misdemeanours to go unchallenged? I think not. So what advice could you give me now that the club committee is currently reviewing 356 totally unwarranted letters of complaint besmearing my good name.Yours totally misunderstood......Howard Bigot-Johnson
• Dear Bigot, Not only are you barking up the wrong tree, I would say you are barking mad. It sems to me you're damn lucky to still be a member of your club. One complaint is one too many. Two is pushing your luck. But 356 can only mean three things..........you are a hypocrite...........a fool........and a thoroughly unpleasant person. ( Incidentally, I've written my own letter of complaint to your club committee ...numbered 357 .....because of the huge number of defamatory remarks and vulgar expletives I found in your correspondence. )
• It is imperative that you recognise that most club members are victims of countless psychological disorders and afflictions..............and you are no exception. As you well know, a close friend and associate of mine, Dr. John, is writing extensively on this very subject. So just accept the reality of this prevailing state of affairs: in bridge clubs abnormal behaviour is the norm. If you cannot tolerate others without exposing your own disorders, then I suggest you carry with you at all times a muffle cushion. Now... you can bury your face in it, whenever the urge to shout and scream becomes overwhelming. By being able to stiffle and silence yourself in this way, no one at all will be able to hear you.......whilst you, of course, will be able to release all that pent-up anger and frustration. Yours Rebecca "don't ever contact me again you obnoxios little man" Rood